My parents are back to arguing. My grades are getting worse slowly and my parents keep pressuring me to so better. I’m getting bullied in school and I feel like all my friends hate me sometimes I just want to end my life. I don’t know what’s the point in living if there’s no goal and at the end you just die like a slowly rotting bird.
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dear track, I was not a member but read your post and became one just to reply. I’m a mom, and the mom in me wants to make you feel better. I am so sorry you are going through all of that. I imagine it does feel like there is no way out of it. I do understand wanting to make everything go away and not knowing another way how. I was 10 years old when I made my first suicide plan. As a teen i made several more. life sucked. bad. obviously I didn’t go through with any of them. mostly because there was one person I couldn’t leave. now I have 2 kids and do my best so that suicide will be something they never even contemplate. and I will never intentionally leave them. I guess I would like you to know that I agree that life can be hard, downright bullshit sometimes. suicide will end bullshit but it will also end anything that you live for or anything that lives for you. Please try and find one thing that makes you happy and hold on to that. life is terrible sometimes but in that can be strength, stubbornness, resilience, and motivation. find your happiness and fight for it.
I am sorry you are going through this.
My heart goes out to you. I grew up with two angry parents who could not parent us together. I withdrew from them as much as I could, was a shy, shy girl. I had so much going on in my brain that I pushed away- fear, anger, hurts, pain, sadness… and more. I didn’t really “feel”. I was aware of some feelings but my feelings were dulled by how I dealt with my life. I grew up and had some success but below the surface I was a hot mess and I came to a point of falling apart… some times more than other times. All those years of not “seeing” and not “feeling” came back ten fold and I wanted to escape, run, disappear, and well, die. Did I say that in past tense? Hmmm, well. Sometimes I still feel that way. 🙁
The reason I tell you this is it didn’t help not to feel it all. You are doing HARD work, dealing with these emotions. It is work you must do, to understand what life is. I’ve had to do it after the fact. After experiencing parents who fought constantly and could not parent us together, even after they got divorced. I had all this anger and pain that I didn’t even admit to myself. It did not disappear. I didn’t find friends- close friends to build a life with because my coping mechanism was to hide away. It has been/ is painful to figure out how to live by myself.
You have a head start in dealing with the feelings you are feeling (and it IS hard!!). It is a job you have to do- just as I have to too, after all these years. You have to learn to make lemonade out of the lemons your life has shown you.
You have to do it because there is a wonderful person beyond that pain and sorrow. You owe it to her to take care of her. YOU are important- you don’t know it because you don’t have someone who shows you love unconditionally consistently.
Just because no one tells you this, doesn’t change the truth that you are a special person! Be kind to you. Admit to you how hard this is- not to beat yourself up over it. But to combat the feelings and stand up for the wonderful person you are.
As a teen you have so many people in your path that are potential support people- teachers, principals, parents of friends or parents you know in the neighborhood. Some days I wish I were a teen and could walk into a teacher’s room and say, I need help! (I didn’t know I could then). But it would just be weird for me to walk into that principal office today (tiny joke!).
I do find help at my crisis line, they listen and care. I am trying to pass on that care I get from them to you AND to others reading. We are in this TOGETHER.
Please take care of YOU. YOU are WORTH it.