I have been cursed with depression for about 15 years now. I have been so distant and hurting I have pushed everyone I have ever loved or cared about away. I have horrible nightmares and wake up crying. I am alone and it feels so empty. No future, no purpose, no happiness. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend every day. What I really want to do is crawl into a hot tube with a couple bottles of wine and just go to sleep. I don’t know what to do next.
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I am sorry you have had this long term. Me too. 20 plus years. It is plain hard. Try to be compassionate towards yourself. I often get told I am too hard on myself. I get angry at me for not handling life different, not knowing what to do to get myself out of this, for being too depressed to get things done!
Search for things to help you. One thing I do is read quotes… I type in a word, like alone or afraid and the word quote. Reading other peoples thoughts helps me feel better, feel less alone helps me cope in the moment, then I am sometimes I am able to move forward.
Keep going. Keep reaching out.
I am in similar situation my girlfriend and I broke up cutting suicide attempts on top of that I’m gay and my family is anti gay my sister says I cut for attention that nothing’s wrong with me when I feel wrong but don’t give up