I went on a trip last week. It was really fun-the sites, the trains, the plane, the hikes and so much more were all unique experiences. I guess it was a taste of freedom. Yet as always, when I returned, my life was still here. I got my exam results which were published during the trip. All the hard work, all the pain, all the anguish.. Meant nothing. I am nothing. I thought that really focusing and working hard would help me… But it didn’t work!!
It let me taste heaven if just for an instant before plunging me back to hell. This time my parents were supportive, at least outwardly. But I recognise those eyes. Those freaking eyes. Full of disappointment, full of resentment, full of hate.
I spent the day looking for ways to kill myself. I was sitting in the passenger’s seat as my father drove on the highway-I could have just turned the wheel when we passed the bridge and off my life would have gone. I was removing the laundry on the roof-I could simply fall off by ‘accident’. I was home alone- I could have put a letter on the table, diverting the attention long enough for me to bleed out in the bathroom.
I don’t know why but as I delve more and more into depression, I try to justify suicide. Earlier today, my father said that a coincidence that had happened was actually God’s will. It can serve as a very good justification. Then wouldn’t my suicide be God will too? Who am I to go against that? On the other hand, perhaps killing myself would be a way to start my next great adventure. Or is it that I am playing a weird simulation game? All of the other people in this world could be robots designed to respond to my ‘inputs’. After all that would only require a memory and processing capacity only a few thousand times more powerful that we have.
All of those just won’t stop!!!!!!!
I can lose myself in thought using stories, movies, TV-but all of those eventually come to an end. Even fantasy Scenarios become more and more difficult to come up with.
Making new friends and maintaining contact with old ones have become even more annoying. I tend to wonder how they would feel if I died? I know it probably won’t matter-I don’t really believe in ghosts.
Is there actually something to do? Or is it that I have doomed myself for the rest of my life? Every time it just seems like I have passed the point of no return! Is it really worth it to continue this life, to grasp my way out of this hell again?
2 comments
I don’t know what your exams are (college? entry to college?) but with exams it’s always fixable to some extent. You can always take them again, or study a bit more to up your grades, or try another path, but i guess the point is that you have to follow a path if you want to reach a destination
You said yourself you easily get lost in thought and i agree that’s it’s a perfect way to make life more bearable, but at times it’s too much. Imagining scenarios just takes time away from following real ones, and overthinking things at times just prevents you from taking action before it’s too late.
I guess that what i’m trying to say is that sometimes you just have to live the present even if it seems pointless, because actually it is, until you give yourself a motive (or until god does if you believe in god). Your life is not written in stone and you can still change things, but you still have to adapt to some realities that you can’t change. Yeah, it’s not easy, but it’s arguably doable if you want to.
I dont know what your exams were for. I dont know who your parents are. I can tell you that depending on what kind of life you want to live, it could be worth it to continue. Life at 17 is very different than life at 20, and life at 25 is a world different, and so on and so forth. I find that at the least right now, Im living off pure hate, pure misery to find a way to punish life for screwing me. Sometimes when the bad outweighs the good, using your angry and misery is all youve got.