Im so angry and frustrated right now. Why me? Why has this been my life? I never asked for any of this. Those were my thoughts and feelings for some time. I was angry at god. I was angry at the world. I was angry at my parents for the childhood I was robbed of and the issues I got because of it. Not anymore though. My anger or frustration is all directed inward now.
Why cant I get better? Why cant I get past my childhood? Why cant I let go of all the pain and hurt that haunts my every thought? Im not a victim and blame no one for all of the hell Ive endured. But why cant I get free of it? Why cant I let it go, forgive and forget as they say? What is wrong with me? I do not want to be here anymore. I just want peace. I havent even been able to go through with ending it though. Why? Because I subconsciously dont want to or because I have something to live for and down deep inside I know that? Bullshit. I want relief from the constant pain. Im afraid. Im afraid of failing. Im afraid of the unknown. Why cant I finish it and finally have peace?
Things are only getting worse. My physical symptoms continue to worsen. My depression seems to be completely enveloping me. My mothers words of wisdom are to go to church and then everything will be all better. My father doesnt have the time to offer any advice or words of wisdom. I know that is how they both are yet I let it hurt me. Why? Why can I not be capable of just not giving a fuck? Ive tried reaching out and expressing the severity of where I am mentally right now but its been to no avail. Im sure god is having a bad connection on his end. I hear the cell service up there is atrocious. I just want to disappear; sleep and not wake up. Hopefully the fear subsides and I can exit this life. Until then, I remain my own worst enemy.
4 comments
Hey, God’s cell phone has poor reception- that is MY line! Or maybe he still has a party line and it is always full, he can’t get my calls!
I am glad you are holding on. I am too. It hurts so much to be in such pain but nobody knows. You are doing hard work- trying to understand all of your feelings and pains… sounds like physically as well as mentally.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Tell yourself you are doing the best that you can. Life can be a struggle. I am sorry your family life is part of that struggle. Know this- this battle is not because of you. You are trying to live and figure it all out but you are not the blame of it all. Not trying to blame anyone but I know for myself, I take on the blame… example… why did so and so do…xyz…. WHAT did I DO??
I’ve been there. My family had no clue what I went through growing up. I pushed it all aside. But it didn’t disappear! My depression invaded my weekends- really one of the days at first, then both. Then it came on strong at night. Finally it affected me many days and/or nights.
What I am learning is the fear and hurts I had pushed away are still causing me pain when they are triggered by events that happen today. It has taken a huge effort for me to separate the issues.
I think it is harder for you, still at home, trying to find your way and have all these issues and complications. The stress is about making your way but feeling so awful and then, pain crashes in and knocks you down… if that makes sense, listen… (if not, sorry, maybe listen with just one ear 😉 it might still straighten itself out!)
You are not alone. Your family dynamics have/ is shaping you. You are a wonderful, strong person. You may not believe you are wonderful because we need other people supporting us to feel special and loved.
And I say you are smart because you had to be to get this far. You’ve had to use your smarts to figure out how others are feeling/acting to know how to either dodge them or to gain things you needed.
Please believe in you. I’m am finally learning this. You can too.
Please don’t take what others do out on yourself. That is not fair to the special person (YOU!!) beneath your pain!
Please take great care of YOU.
Hey Pretend Girl. Thank you so much for the kind words and support. It sounds like we have fought some of the same battles and have been haunted by some of the same demons. I dont actually still live at home, thankfully. Im older, in my 30’s, and still battling. I think thats why Im so angry at myself. The fact that I am older yet still cannot seem to get free of all the hurts and pains dished out along the way. I suffered an injury 7 years ago that causes great physical pain for me, so having to deal with the mental too is just too much. Oh and sorry for stealing your line, lol. I have been using that for a bit along with, God must have me on his blocked calls list.
This post is EVERYTHING. <3
Greysteet,
I am glad you are away from your family. Me too. I get so angry at me or I feel empty inside. Tonight I feel empty. 🙁
I know what you mean about not getting past the hurts. I have started to remind myself that I did not create them. I am fine as I am. I tell myself accept my feelings. At the same time the pain says, oh sure… right! You are stupid. Just stop! BUT that first voice is there too. I think of it as a parental voice that is accepting of me no matter what. It helps to know that I can accept them, even if it doesn’t quite click -yet.
Thanks for your kind words. 🙂