Random rant.

I’ve always had mental health problems since I first started school. History of substance abuse and violence at home. Being bullied at school and in social settings. I became a loner and have little time for people in real world including my family who I never see now. I’m just sick of the superficial nature of our society and its obsession with money, power, status, image. It makes me sick…quite literally.

I don’t consider myself to be anti-social but that would certainly be a diagnosis of doctors if answering a questionaire. No doubt the solution to my disorder would be a high dose of petrochemical based products. They would say I have a chemical imbalance despite the lack of evidence to prove their case.

I would say I’m more disillusioned with humanity, my own meaningless existence, our senseless destruction of the planet and all life on it for some perceived notion of happiness. There’s nothing I can say or do to change it. All the destruction, suffering that occurs daily is outside my personal control and I can accept that. However, people insisting I should try to be happy amidst it all is nothing but self delusion.

Perhaps I am lucky not to be starving in some poor country and be free of physical disabilities. There’s always an upside from the doctors. “At least you’re not in a wheelchair” and if you are, then “At least you’re not blind or deaf”

I’m in my early thirties now and after a long history of alcohol abuse decided to get some help. Unfortunately this didn’t work out since the addiction counsellor I talked to basically advised me to move away, join the foreign legion, join a charity, adjust my attitude and the psychiatrist said I was too sensitive, had a bad attitude. Told me to attend AA or NA despite arguing I felt uncomfortable around strangers there.

Their main solution to abusing alcohol was of course prescription drugs which I did try for about 4 weeks but after developing Tinnitus, which I believe was caused by the drugs, I decided to stop. I have since developed Rhinitis although I’m unsure if it’s related to the drugs. My concentration is all fucked up too although that may be symptom of stress.

Stopping the medication angered the counsellor who began to argue I didn’t really want help and that I wouldn’t take responsibility for anything. They had in fact planned to discharge me after 6 weeks on the medication. I merely argued their solution was to substitute one drug for another and it wasn’t helpful. It was clear to me they were only interested in exploiting vulnerable members of society for their own financial gain. Right or wrong, I was convinced they didn’t give a shit.

The drugs didn’t change anything. Everything was still the same, I was just indifferent to it all the negative aspects in my life and now incapacitated to do anything about it. Just eat, shit and sleep. I said to myself, this is no fucking solution to anything, fuck these bastards.

Long story short, I was discharged by the counsellor and after I made complaints about them, I was smeared and soon had other counsellors refusing to see me. I couldn’t talk to anyone now and my doctor was relocated to somewhere else.

During the next few months, my consumption of alcohol worsened and my anger became uncontrollable. I was angry with how I’d been treated and wanted to tell counsllor what low life scum they are for pumping people full of drugs and thinking it was helpful. That they were just puppets of large corporations profiting from the misery of others.

For sure, it’s necessary some people take drugs in order to function but I doubt it’s a magic pill for everything and bear in mind, I hadn’t even been diagnosed with anything.

Things went from bad to worse when in drunken despair I sent the counsellor abusive text messages over 1 week over the christmas period and soon the police arrested me for harassment. Now I’m facing up to 1-2 years in Jail. Although I have no previous convictions, I don’t think it will matter much.

For the last month or so now I’ve been thinking of how to escape it all. I would move away but I’ve no money. I’ve been off drink for 4 weeks and thought I’d feel better but with pending charges, court case and jail hanging over my head, suicide looks like a better option to me. I will almost certainly end up in Jail and I am not someone cut out for prison life. What happens to me there is what frightens me the most and how it will affect me for rest of what life I have left.

I was shocked to see how many people with mental health problems are in jail and it adds more weight to my decision on whether to continue living or not. The main problem is how to do it since I would like it to be as peaceful as possible. Mentally, I cannot survive jail and do not wish to be confined to psychiatric unit for the rest of my life or struggling to get by on pharmaceutical drugs that do nothing to help but ignore reality.

I do want to live but at the same time cannot deal with reality sometimes. It’s hard for me with no good support of family or friends.

Sorry for long post.