So Friday a teacher that I talk to, told me that she wants me to help her in building my self esteem. I don’t know what to do. I’m so use to feeling down and taking pain pills and cutting myself, I don’t know if I can change or if I’m even WILLING to change. I told her I wasn’t willing to try and she told me to think about it and tell her my answer Monday. I don’t want to hurt her, when we finished our conversation Friday she walked away wiping her eyes. I know how much she loves and cares about me and she’s done alot for me. But I don’t know. I’m also 16 and don’t want to get in trouble with my mom or by the school.
If I say yes I’m willing to try, she’d be happy. But I’d be lieing. I’d still think bad about myself and still do the stupid stuff I do. And she’d be sad. But if I tell her the truth she’d be sad for a little but then get over it, right?
And my last resort is to walk into her office Monday and tell her I can’t talk to her anymore because I don’t want to hurt her with the bad stuff I’m doing, cause I could possibly kill myself, and I don’t want her to think that was because of her.
I need advice I don’t know what to do…
3 comments
One of my biggest weaknesses is not wanting to hurt people, so whenever someone who doesn’t understand depression tries to give me a motivational speech to get better, I feel obligated to actually try to be better and to express that I feel better so that they don’t feel bad. Well this only ever results in me feeling worse, because then I am stuck in the position of wearing a happy face which only makes my inner feelings grow more destructive. So I would say you should just kindly explain to her that you can’t, at least not yet until you’re ready. I know it doesn’t feel good to hurt other people’s feelings, but right now your feelings are hurting worse than anyone else’s, so your feelings are what matters the most. If you say no, you would be hurting her feelings, but at least she is able to cope with it and it won’t make her fall into a pit of despair. But if you say yes and let your own self get hurt, well that’s just going to end badly and eventually still hurt your teacher’s feelings anyway. But at least saying no would only hurt her temporarily. I think this is one of the hardest parts about being a victim of depression, because naturally we hurt the people around us. But you can’t let that make you feel bad, because those people do indeed want to help. If they hated it so much, they wouldn’t get themselves involved by trying to help. So you shouldn’t have to distance yourself from your teacher or from anyone else affected by it, because you don’t deserve to live in isolation out of fear of hurting other people. You are already hurting bad enough :/
As for not wanting to get better, don’t feel ashamed about it. Don’t pressure yourself. You can try to get better when you feel like you are ready, because it will only frustrate you if you push your limit. Even if you did want to try and boost your self esteem, you don’t have to quit cutting in order to do so. I honestly don’t want to stop cutting, even though I want to feel better emotionally. I’ve just grown so comfortable with cutting, it’s like my hot chocolate on a cozy winter night. But anyway, self esteem is almost like religion. You can’t force yourself to feel a different way about it. You can only listen and wait until something inspires you to truly feel differently. It comes from within the heart.
There’s no right answer.
Your teacher kicked you down a 20-foot deep hole by asking you that in the first place…”Is our friendship/relation worth enough for me to change you?”
If this were in any other context besides someone trying to make you feel better about yourself it’d be douchbaggery-manipulation, and even while it is in the context it is, it’s still pushing it….
Just say ‘no’ if that’s how you feel.
What have you got to lose by trying it out… Tell her you’re not making any promises. Maybe things will change along the way.