I want to die. At least I think it’s what I want. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be nonexistent. If what I have been living these past 30 some odd years can be classified as life then I want just the opposite. Death sounds so dark, so evil, yet the thought of it feels so peaceful. Ah Peace, I don’t even remember the last time I felt your embrace. I’m so tired of fighting to hold on; so tired of struggling each and every day to not give up. I have no fight left. It is long gone and I am so exhausted. I cannot keep holding my head above the water. I have been sinking for so long and there is nothing left to keep me afloat. I’m going under.
This pain is too much to bear. The physical, mental and emotional pain is too heavy to keep lifting, to keep holding up. I have no strength or energy left. The accident, the lies, the betrayals, the loss, the hurt is too much. I don’t dream anymore, it’s pointless. There is no change. There is no hope. There is no one coming to save the day. Things are not getting better. It is not going to be okay. How many times can a man be knocked down and hit with thing after thing after fucking thing?! When does enough become too much? God must be on the other line or become hard of hearing. My childhood to overcome, the abuse, the failed relationships, the back stabbings, the injury, losing everything, being left unable to work, the anxiety, the depression, not having money, losing the ability to perform and do my passion, the ailments, never recovering and now being trapped and manipulated into this……what a sick fucking twisted joke. I’ve yet to overcome my childhood let alone any of the other hell that has befallen me since. Sorry I checked out a long time ago.
9 comments
My heart goes out to you, so much pain. I think most of us on SP feel the same as you, that death sounds dark, yet the thought of it feels so peaceful, it means the end of a troubled existence. There’s not much I can say, life can become unbearable, do I have the wish to tell you to hold on to life, it’s what I always say and what I always wish, but there has to be hope, hope for change, something for you to believe.
Thank you Nias. I am trying to hold on, trying my damndest to. But I have lost hope and it makes it that much harder to continue. Thank you for your kind words.
When hope has vanished, then life can seem to have no meaning, a run of bad luck will seem never-ending. There just seems so much wrong in your life and you mention nothing good in it, no one to turn to except here on SP. I used to wonder why, if God did exist, he let me, like you, suffer so, but then I look at the world in general, a world he supposed to have created, that he cares for and it’s full of war and starvation, etc. I gave up praying. It a good question why do we keep going even when we believe it’s pointless to do so, is it that suicide is difficult, do we, even without hope believe something will change, is it that peace is a dream we can all have and knowing it’s there for us, keeps us going. I don’t know the reasons why, I just exist like you, hating my life, but still hoping for the best but expecting the worst, wish I could be more help to you.
Wow, thank you. That is exactly how it feels. Reading that felt like it was coming from inside of me. I dont know why either. Peace seems so far away, like an unattainable desire that continues to haunt you. Thank you Nias for your comments. Anytime it feels like someone else understands or “gets it” it makes it seem less lonely.
I came here looking for peace, perhaps suicide, instead I found people who really get it in a way that even a suicide helpline can’t, people who are going through similar experiences makes a world of difference for me. In the real world someone used to keep saying to me to ‘pull yourself together, life’s not a rehearsal’ as if I’m suddenly going to leave my depression behind me and take off on a new life, doesn’t work like that. She was a ‘happy with life’ sort, she didn’t understand how depression works, simplistic advice is one thing but she used to get angry with me because I struggled so, in the end I gave up telling her anything about myself. It’s all about being understood and only people who have gone/going through it know how it feels to constantly look into the abyss of no hope and still keep going as we do. I’m glad you can see that you are not alone, even if those around you don’t know how you feel, there are countless others who do know the difficulties in life.
are you still there? Take a trip.
A trip? I would love to get away and no doubt a change of scenery might be a nice distraction. But I have no way to do that unfortunately. Thank you though for your suggestion.
I relate entirely to what you wrote. Without hope and faith left it is a hell of a harder struggle to hold on to life, and adapting to changes and newer troubles seems like an impossible and pointless task (i’m at the same situation, at 30-something as well). I haven’t been able to, but i really wish you get a break from that string of bad situations you mention and you can at least regain some hope for the future, that would at least bring you some life back.
Thank you Mf. It definitely does seem that way, you are right. It is so difficult when you fight every day to not give up and yet continue to get more and more piled onto you. Hope has become just another four letter word. Thank you though for your comments. I wish the very best for you and wish for a break for you also.