My depression is continuing to get worse. I’ve reached a new point where I find that I’m actually starting to enjoy this feeling of despair. I’m starting to enjoy all of the emotional pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the sorrow. It’s strange, just a few days ago I hated it and all I wanted was to be happy. But lately, I’ve been craving it. It almost gives me a kind of high. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been like this for so long, that it’s starting to grow comfortable. Happiness feels so foreign now, that I just want to crouch back into my dark corner where everything is familiar. My cutting is becoming more frequent. I look in the mirror and see the cuts all over my chest, seeing how broken I am. And somehow, that’s satisfying. But at the same time it scares me. What is becoming of me? On the outside, I am a completely normal person, happy and kind wherever I go. But then on the inside, there is this dark side to me and its shadow is growing bigger. But I know it’s not who I am, and I don’t want it to devour me. I am a girl who loves to frolic in nature, who loves adventure and loves to explore. I am a girl who wants to start a happy family someday. I am a girl who loves art and a vast majority of things. I am a girl who wants to pursue photography and archery. But I have to constantly remind myself of these things, because I am starting to abandon them and I don’t want to lose my identity, everything that makes me me. I am not a girl who paints herself in her own blood. I am not a girl who fantasizes about death. I am not a girl who turns every conversation into something dark and depressing. I am not sick. That is the other side of me, the side that is eating me and becoming me. I feel so trapped. I want to climb out of this hole, but then at the same time I want to make my home in it. I want to dig it deeper. Until just maybe, I’ll dig to the other side of the Earth and come out again.
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I read your entire post. How long have you been depressed, would you say? And how long has it been especially bad like this?
You like archery and photography, but these thoughts seem to consume you to the point where you can no longer enjoy or indulge in those hobbies. Do you know, or can you pinpoint one or a few reasons why you feel this way, or is it just because?
I am so sorry that you feel this way. Listen to this song, it always cheers me up tinyurl.com/kjbyjc4
Also if you want to talk to me, go to this link and it will show you my email address tinyurl.com/m9zdb2b 🙂
You feel you deserve what you’re going through, and you crave sadness. You’re at war with yourself; you believe the evil will win. You’re getting to the point where you’re going to hold up a flag and surrender. But you still hold your dreams close to your heart, for deep down you”ve still got the fight in you. Who are you? I’m sorry, but only you can find the answer. I’ve been where you’re at, and I’m telling you that you must not let go of your dreams. To start a family, pursue photography and archery, or whatever else you dream of. When you one day make those dreams come true, you’re going to be so happy you kept finding the question to your answer. I have no doubt in my mind that you’re strong, but I’m afraid my words aren’t ringing true at the moment; you don’t want to be strong. You’d rather suffer. I know what it’s like… But if I made it, you can. I promise.
I’ve been depressed for a few years, I can’t quite remember exactly when it started. But it started out pretty mild. After about a year, I tried my first cut, and it was actually just to cope with the stress of my mom constantly arguing with everyone. I would only ever do it every several months. Then a year and a half ago, I had my first real relationship, and the way it ended left me pretty destroyed. It was basically like all of my hopes and dreams were crushed right in front of me with no promise of return. So that definitely contributed to my depression. Over the past year it started to get more serious, and I started cutting around every month. A few months ago I actually came out of my depression for a while, but then out of nowhere I just fell back in. This time it was triggered by neglect from my family, mainly my twin sister. She made friends, so she has no use for me anymore and never talks to me. But we used to be so close and she was like my only social life, and the loneliness is just crippling me and causing me to feel overly sensitive about everything. This past week is when it really started to get bad though, worse than I’ve ever had it before. I’ve never felt this low, and I cut at least a few times per week now. I would do it everyday if I had enough room and if I didn’t have to go to work the next day. I don’t know what exactly is making this week so especially bad though, It’s like my emotions are just taking their own control over me. I can see it happening, but I just can’t seem to do anything about it or feel any differently.
But like you said, my depression is making it so that I no longer enjoy anything, even the hobbies that used to bring me joy. I can’t bring myself to do anything anymore, and when I do, it’s just like “When can this be over so that I can curl back up in my bed?”
That’s the worst thing about depression, the lack of motivation to enjoy the things we used to love.
There’s a comfort in being sad. Its easy to lay in bed, no expectations, no desires, no risk of failure or incomplete tasks. After you’ve been depressed for so long, any other emotion feels so foreign and uncomfortable. All of a sudden you’re happy and optimistic again. Wanting to socialise. Its a big change of personality and can be awkward and unsettling. Its normal and quite common for people to prefer to be in their depressed state. I understand your reasoning.
One thing I’m not very informative on, cutting. Is there a reason or outcome that cutting provides? Does it give you a rush or some other feeling? What is the purpose and what is the result of cutting?
Hope I hear back soon, I’m very curious in that respect.
Cheers.
Yeah, that’s exactly how it feels, I’ll find myself suddenly wanting to socialize or be happy and it just feels awkward and unsettling and then the sadness draws me back when I coward away.
As for cutting, the reason for that is that it gives me a release for all of my built up emotions. It’s kind of like when you get angry, you get all of this negative adrenaline in you which gives you this sudden compulsion to punch a wall or break something, because you need to exert yourself to calm that adrenaline and let it out. Well with depression, instead of anger building up, emotional pain and anxiety builds up. And then it makes me just want to tear myself up. Usually if I’m trying not to cut, instead I’ll squeeze/pinch myself (I don’t have nails xD), or punch myself. But cutting not only releases the anxiety as I’m rapidly slashing at myself with a razor, it also calms me down by distracting me once the cuts start to sting really bad. Then instead of dwelling on how miserable I am, I’m too busy focusing on how it hurts like crap and I can’t move. And that pain is actually kind of invigorating, it does give me a rush. It feels like it actually releases endorphins which makes me feel satisfied. And then I also just like seeing myself wounded, because it’s like evidence that I successfully transferred my emotional pain into physical pain. It’s like when a fisherman catches a large fish, they are proud of it and want to mount it on their wall. And then another reason I like it is because my body feels like a journal, and the cuts are the stories written inside of it. So my body tells my history, it tells what I have suffered. And one day, I hope I will be able to look my scars and say “This is what I overcame. These are battle scars, from a battle with depression. And I won.”
Yes, relationships do that kinda thing to you–when they end and you don’t want them to.
I’m sorry to hear that things are so gloomy for you. I understand that this is how you feel, and I’m sorry that it’s so. Just a quick question: Do you think that if you were in a relationship right now, a good one, that things would be a lot better? Or would they still be pretty glum, and maybe you wouldn’t be able to handle a relationship?
It’s normal to do, but I hope that you don’t compare yourself to your twin too often. Comparing yourself to anyone is never a good thing, not when it’s taken seriously. I used to do that all the time–compare myself to others. I’d see how everyone else was in a relationship, had a nice job, and how I was just alone and depressed all the time. It doesn’t do any good to compare yourself to others, and you never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, anyway.