Unfortunately, death is less beautiful. There is no beauty in death for me.
Me: a once vibrant, beautiful girl, has rotted away, literally.
I don’t want to be ill, but I am. There is no going backwards. Things have gotten much worse. I am deteriorating rapidly again. There is no ease. I cannot accept.
I have suffered a lot in the last two years.
I don’t want to die. I want to be alive, happy and well. I am not well, however.
Even as empty as I feel, I just don’t feel good about myself to be around others anymore. I need to die, but I want to live. I need to die; I just can function with being ill. I can’t accept it, I just can’t. Life isn’t functional this way.
I have worked hard the last couple of months putting together my project, which has turned into something much bigger. I got encouragement from people here in the US and the UK. People reached out to me, and I corresponded with some very supportive, kind people. It has been empowering, but nonetheless, I suffer still from the consequences of someone else’s actions. I told myself I needed to accomplish this, for myself and others that believe in me.
I am finally in some ways pursuing my dreams. Dreams I have had for a few years now, but it’s a little too late.
I had the potential before I got sick, to become more, but I doubted myself too much then.
It’s too late now, fate awaits me.
I always knew how it was going to end.
8 comments
Hi sm, do you feel like talking more about your project and/or what your sickness is? If not that’s cool. The only reason I asked is I feel like I’m in a similar situation. I’ve absolutely ruined my health the last 3 years, mostly self destructive behavior but also just being worn down. Suddenly in the last few months a distant dream of mine became a little closer, so like your project I suddenly have hope on the horizon. The problem is my health is so far gone I don’t know if I can do it, and that just adds to my frustration and self-loathing for being so reckless with my health. So maybe I sorta know what you’re going through a little bit. It helps me to focus on my work without thinking too much about it, if you know what I mean. Sort of like a marathon runner who’s exhausted… the best thing is to just stare at the ground one step at a time instead of seeing how far the finish line still is.
I understand, and I hope you can somehow turn your health around. Mine is an impossible situation for me. Things will still stay the same after the finish line. If you can find a way to stop the self destructive behavior.. you can turn things around. Thanks for your kind words. Hope you take care.
<3 coco you're lovely.
<3 🙁
I don’t know if i should comment but i just have to. If you are pursuing your dreams then you are doing things the right way, even if your health gets in the way. Better to go out kicking and screaming while doing what you want than just seeing life pass you by (i’ve had my share of that and i guess you too).
The potential is still there, but the doubt doesn’t let you see it. I know my opinion doesn’t count much, but i really think you can do whatever you set out to do. And even if all of our fates are the same in the end and we are all going to die eventually, i guess the point is just to live while we are still able to… so all i can do is wish you luck in your project, if you want to you’ll get it done.
Thanks — but things are much worse than before. I am not sure if I can get it done. I want to do more, and it only makes me even more sad that I can’t. Take care.
I don’t know what your physical ailments are but I do know this…the body is so unbelievably resilient. I have a close family member in his sixties, who was diagnosed 2 years ago with a very rare cancer of the bone marrow, with a very limited survival rate. He was also diabetic, overweight, and just not in the best of health apart from the cancer. Chemo was very hard on his already ailing body but that was two years ago…and he’s in remission. If you are pursuing your dreams, then the mental can definitely overcome the physical (Steven Hawkins comes to mind…) I am envious of anyone that has found their calling and it sounds as if you have. Let that carry you through…the rest will fall into place.
My body has been resilient for a long time but no more. I am not willing to barely survive, I need to thrive. Being nothing and unable to feel good about myself is unacceptable to me. My mental state is governed by my physical state. Things are complex with me, but thank you for your words.