Clueless

I know everyone is caught up in their own life, and I get that. Still, people are so clueless to see when others are not well around them. They ask me if I’m okay constantly due to my demeanor, because I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I use to wear that mask for everyone. I’d go to work or visit family and put on that ”happy mask” and I’ve come to the place before my end, where I just don’t give a shit anymore. If they want to ask questions, that’s fine, they’re entitled to. Doesn’t mean I have to answer, but if I do  it’s evasive, because I personally don’t feel like one person in my life cares to dig any deeper to know the truth. I just feel like we live on this superficial level. They just accept whatever answer I give, even if I don’t answer. I went to my doctor the other day for a routine check up because I have an under active thyroid. For the the 3rd visit in a row, they told me I’ve lost even more weight than the last visit. I’ve lost 6lbs since my last visit 6 months ago. I now weigh 129lbs. I use to be 140lbs. He did mention my weight loss and showed concern, but never dug any deeper to find out the root cause. He was more concerned because my eye was slightly red from irritating it at work. A good shower and I’d be fine. Regardless, he felt the need to call in a prescription for my eye. So I didn’t bother to be forth coming with answers. ”Ya doc, the reason is I don’t care about eating, or living for that matter.” And ”If I’m still around in 6 months, and come back you’ll see I’ve lost more weight. ”

And I know, I just know… When I finally silence the voices in my head. Everyone’s going to act completely shocked, like they had no idea. Or maybe…just maybe. They might finally put the pieces of the puzzle together. Chances are more likely they’ll just feel sorry for themselves instead. ”Poor us”  And I can hear my step father already ”what a selfish thing to do?!”