Yes, I still think about you every day. Yes, I’m kind of masochistic.
It’s been almost a year from the last mail. Maybe four years from the last time I saw you.
I feel stupid. A little girl who can’t live without daddy. A kid who cries because daddy doesn’t love her.
Even if you caused me so much pain. Even if I remember all that fear I felt when you came home. And all those times you hurt me. Physically and psychologically.
I can’t help it. I still love you. I still wonder what you must be doing, if you’re sad, if you eat ok, if you have a safe place. If you think about us, if our absence is killing you.
Still, I won’t write you. Not yet. I haven’t figured out if life hurts more with or without you.
2 comments
Its just normal coz you care so much for your dad. You love him so much
My dad was a physically and psychologically abusive douche, I’m lucky enough to know that my life is better off without him in it. As much as I hate him, as badly as I want vengeance for every fucked up thing he put me through, some part of me still wants his approval. I hate him more than anything and as much as I don’t care about his opinion of me, the little boy that withstood every fucked up thing he did to prove my strength still needs to be told that I’m…I honestly don’t know what, but anything at all would work at this point. I can’t tell you if your dad will make your life better or worse, but I’ll be here for you if you ever want to talk or rant or anything.