I’m going to die alone. I’ve known it for quite a while, but it still sucks to admit. It’s not that knowing I’ll never find “the one,” or, more likely, that I’ll push her away, is particularly depressing. If anything, it should be liberating because, no matter what I do, I won’t drag her down with me, which brings me some peace of mind. But it just fucking sucks. I’m twenty one years old and I’m still a virgin. It’s not even that I just can’t find a girl to sleep with me, ’cause that’d be less depressing. One of my coworkers has, on several occasions, texted me to see if I wanted to hook up. She’s an attractive girl and everything, but I can’t do anything at all without some kind of an emotional connection. So not only am I going to die alone, but I’m going to die a virgin and it’s ’cause I have some stupid intimacy issue where I will get in my own way to keep anyone and everyone as far away from me as I can. Sorry if this jumped around a bit or anything, I’ve had a bit to drink and I’m kind of shaky anyway. I was deleting old emails and I saw one from a girl I dated almost three years ago. Things were great between us, I honestly thought I was going to marry her, but then she cheated on me, and that’s probably one of the biggest reasons why I won’t let anyone get too close to me. How do people just trust other people? And, more importantly, why is something from that long ago still bothering me now? I’m angry, I’m drunk, and I’m depressed as hell. I know I shouldn’t care, but why do I? This is fucking bullshit. Sorry to distract from anyone with any real problems right now, it’s not my intention to keep others from helping you, I just needed to say something where someone might hear it.
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Yeah, why you should care anyway? But it always been like this. Those memories from the past will always remains with us in our brain. But don’t you drown on them, they’re merely memories in the past and that’s where they belong. Past. Like people said, good memories are treasure, bad memories are knowledge to make us stronger.
I hope there will be someone out there who will make you trust again and love again effortlessly.
^^ Do take care, Walrus!
Thanks, I’m just, well, like I said, I’m drunk and emotional. I can already tell that waking up tomorrow is going to suck.
And I will try to take care, you should too.
Yeahherame here. I will die alone too. I have had one relationship in my entire life and it was for a long time but we were never quite right together. Part of me wonders if the only reason I married her was because no one else had ever been interested in me and so I clung to the only person that had, even if we were both miserable. She gave me her number and told me to call her so basically she asked me out. EVERY person I have ever asked out has turned me down with the exception of one, but she was a neighbor who I left a note under her door asking her out and she replied saying that we could meet for coffee that Saturday (though we both had tea). So that was kind of a blind date since wasn’t even sure exactly who had asked her. it wasn’t long before I could tell she wanted to be elsewhere and my anxiety was in overdrive so I was sweating, shaking, stammering, quiet, and so tense I pulled muscles in my rib area. It was an indication that I have no chance in hell because no one is going to look at me, all timid and sad and decide I’m worth getting to know. So now I am 33 and facing loneliness for the rest of my life because my anxiety gets worse and worse and I’m not that outgoing of a guy. It took me two months to work up the courage to awkwardly ask out the last person out who rejected me. The only place I feel alright is at work or in small groups of people I really know. As the group grows, the more I shrink into the background. Trying to get to know anyone, let alone someone I am interested in, is nearly impossible and seems to just get harder.
Your problem is real. It’s making you feel like you have no hope for something that is of primary meaning to your existence and without it, you question what there is to live for. I completely get that. The good thing is that you are young, so you have time to work on moving past the issues that stick with you. Even if it takes a few years, you are in that range where there are a lot of people available so you are bound to find someone.
Also keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Society seems to put a lot of pressure on people to have sex. It is perfectly alright to wait until you are in a relationship with someone. Again, I completely get that. Even if I wasn’t an anxiety-ridden, depressed introvert, I wouldn’t be out trying to “hook-up” with people. If it makes you weird, I guess we are both weird.
I feel like you will be able to move past this and find someone. Like I said, you are young enough yet where you can have time to have that happen to you. I’m sure it will.
That was supposed to “yeah, same here”. I don’t know why Hera thinks she has anything to do with it.
Hi Walrus – I really understand what you are saying, because I, too, am afraid I will die alone. But please give it some time – there are women out there that are worth waiting for. Women that will not cheat on you, that will be trustworthy and fun and like you for exactly who you are. I’m sorry if this reads like a terrible ‘Dear Abby’ column, but you seem like a smart, solid person.
Your problems are real, and if they affect you they are not important. I’ve been cheated on countless times (in every relationship i’ve been in minus one) so i hear you on the “how do you trust people” thing. Every time it took years for me to deal with it, and it left me with less and less trust on people (and more anxiety and adaptation problems, which i already had). Problem is, you can’t live in this world without trusting people at least so some degree, but what you can do is let them in just a bit until they really prove they deserve your trust. You are still going to screw up and makes some judgment mistakes, but they should be fewer.
As for the 21 virgin thing… hey, it’s more common than you think, but people don’t brag about it so you don’t hear it so often. Maybe you should give your coworker a chance to date at least? sometimes we get the wrong idea from people until we get to meet them. In any case, at 21, you still have lots of time regarding relationships… so best of luck to you, there are good girls out there.
I understand about the trust and intimacy issues, I’m the same way. I always suspect or anticipate the worst and if my suspicions are not true, it only drives away people whose company I enjoyed. I’m not sure if I’ve only dated untrustworthy individuals so far, but I doubt that I could ever really trust anyone. Even if I had a relationship that seemed perfect with someone who was always nice to me, I might think they’re secretly cheating or might cheat, or lying to me, or doing something else to ruin our involvement, and then based on these thoughts I myself would go ahead and sabotage it or push them away.
So, I don’t know. Besides that, I do always keep my distance psychologically (i.e., intimacy issues), and sometimes inadvertently resort to the ‘Hot and Cold’ game just to try to stay unattached, or assert my independence, as I dislike when people seem clingy and needy of my attention (but at the same time, if I’m in an exclusive involvement, I wouldn’t want my pa.rtner to feel I’m not attentive enough and begin to stray).
At this point I’m thinking it’d be easier to stay single. There’s so much thought and effort that goes into relationships; it can become tiresome.