Resurfacing thoughts.

One thing happened. This one thing was so similar to what had happened in the past. It was horrible, shameful, embarrassing, and suddenly I felt as helpless as I has two years ago when I almost killed myself.

Two years ago after confessing to my mother that I wanted to die, I began seeing a therapist, got medicated, and slowly began to feel better. I have had two great years. I slowly distanced myself from the things that made me feel suicidal or just things I associated with bad feelings. I kept many of my relationships, but distanced the ones that had hurt me in the past. For almost two years, I was happy.

Every now and then I would have my moments, to be specific I had probably four instances in those years where I got bad but instantly pulled myself out of it. I became a strong, confident, friendly person. I was different, glowing, caring, and happy.

Tonight, something resurfaced these feelings incomparable to anything I have had since I confessed to my mom. At the beginning of this year, I started doing an activity again that I had done two years ago. I had originally stopped the activity because I needed distance from my old life in order to love myself and build my confidence after being in such a dark place. But, after two years I missed the activity and decided to start it up again, convinced it would be different this time.

I thought for months it was going well, and I was fitting in right where I had left off. However when tonight for the second time in two days it felt like all of my hard work hadn’t payed off and no one could give me an answer why, I lost it. All of those feelings from two years ago resurfaced, and I broke down. I tried desperately to pull myself out of this dark place, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find the person I am now, and felt like the person I hated two years ago.

I tried to address the people who did this to me, tell them my concerns. Of course I couldn’t explain all this. They couldn’t give me a straight or logical answer as to why they were treating me like this. I was frustrated, confused, and losing it. I am determined to make them tell me the truth and to argue my point until I can’t argue any more.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I feel alone and helpless. I don’t want to quit this activity because part of me feels like I need to win or else my progress over the past two years is worthless. I know deep down this isn’t true, but part of me will feel forever defeated if I can’t beat them.

Please help.