Going to use one of those industrial strength zip ties on my hands next time, so even if I want to I won’t be able to save myself.
I am so fucked up.
I’ve hesitated putting anything on here for a couple of days, because I don’t have anything to say anymore.
I wish I didn’t live with people, or at least with people who care so damn much. Checking up on me every hour.
If I was on my own I could spend my last day how I want to. And then the day could wind down to an end and I could just drift off.
So fucking bored of stagnating now. And it’s getting harder and harder to pretend to people that everything’s okay.
Provided nothing changes the earliest I’ll be able to try again will be next week. If not, sometime during the week after.
I’m going to send my best friend’s birthday present to her sometime this week. She’ll love it. I wonder if I’ll get to see her reaction. I’m not that fussed either way anymore.
People in expensive suits with expensive degrees often tell people like us, “Suicidal people don’t really want their to end their lives, they just want their pain to stop.”
That’s just not true for me anymore. I’ve been in a world where my pain has stopped. I’m in it right now. I think about him. About everything that happened. I just don’t care one way or another anymore. I barely get that hollow feeling. I just want to die.
It’s like my eyes have been shut for so long, up until now. And now I see it. I don’t belong here. I’ve never belonged here.
If somehow the hanging fails I’m going to get a train up to Scotland, get the ferry to that island I love, and jump ship. Don’t get me wrong, drowning’s not at the top of my list for ways to die but there would be no way to stop it once it began. It’d be over in a matter of minutes. And I hear it’s quite peaceful near the end.
And thinking over it all now, I regret every time I said it to him, or every time someone else said it to him.
He didn’t kill me.
For the first time in my life he made me feel alive.
That night in the bar when he put his hand on my chest and smiled as he felt my heart race. I was alive.
I haven’t felt that since.
“How many more days can you hold out? How much longer can you wait?” She asked…
There was time, I thought I… I could answer… But my tongue gets tied as my thoughts drift away…
Glory Glory Hallelujah, The Sun Is Shining, Shining Down.
1 comment
“If I was on my own I could spend my last day how I want to. And then the day could wind down to an end and I could just drift off.”
We can’t live the way we want… we can’t even die the way we want.
Drowning in Scotland sounds painful but poetic, for what it’s worth. I do wish you’d write a book before you go, but it sounds like you’re short on time.