Of late i’ve felt as if i’m slowing down and time is speeding up. Every day i seem to take longer and longer to complete my daily tasks. Each day i feel as though my energy is diminishing. I’ve lurked on this site for a while, this is my first post here.
My first thoughts of suicide were when i was 14, i’m 24 now. A decade of wanting to die, wishing for it but never really acting on it. I’d keep coming up with plans and then never execute them. Will i ever do it? I don’t know. I feel like i’ve been here a lot longer than i should have. I sometimes feel i was supposed to die, but didn’t because of some slight alteration in the chain of events.
I’ve never faced abuse, neglect, no financial trouble nor do i have any addictions. I have family, love, i find friends wherever i go. My life’s about as cushy as it comes. The only hard time i ever had was when i flunked a year… but that was because i was enjoying college life too much to study. No regrets there.
So why is it that all i can think about is that i want to end this life? Occasionally i get distracted, i laugh.. and maybe i am genuinely happy. But then the low points arrive, and all i can do is feel like i’m in the deepest pit of despair.
This has been a long rant. I’ll stop now.
4 comments
I wonder why too.. o_o supposing you’re reading/watching too much dark material so it makes you think lots of suicide things..
Distractions are good then in this case. Maybe focusing on things that really matter like family will help you distracts from those negative thoughts. Maybe try to set some goals in life will make you more passionate in living this life.
Take care tho.
Could be the problem is you lack a meaning to live. Sure, in a socially acceptable sense you’re “comfortable.”
So… Seems you feel guilty about it. You shouldn’t.
I couldn’t relate more and I’m about your age. I had a hard time through my teenager years, not exactly shit happening it’s just I never felt I belonged where I was standing but I made it. I’m here, ain’t I? I also feel sometimes insignificant – not to the level that I’m invisible.. it’s just I have a feeling that nothing that I do is ever an accomplishment. I have my happy moments too, many of them (not exactly right now, obviously) but they’re not special at all. Sometimes I wonder, wow some people really suffer, all their problems and abuse and rejection and… I have a good life, apparently. But our problems can’t be measured when we compare to other people’s lives. We all fight a internal war, I think.
I’m also about your age and pretty similarly blessed with life’s goodness. Doesn’t keep me from going to a dark place almost every day, although sometimes less often. Shit just goes this way. There’s always a few choices and keeping going isn’t the easiest but often we pick it. Other choices seem easier but are hard as heck too. I have nothing constructive to say, sorry.