.

However I know why I didn’t. I might throw up and blame myself for not going, and perhaps I’ll keep doing that for the rest of my life, but I know precisely why I didn’t run away last year. I was ready, fully ready, I know that. I am not a coward.

I used to have a lot of desires and instincts. But eventually, with the passage of time and suffering, many of them faded away. And only two were left. Only two prevailed. They were: Desire for truth & Hate for society.
Society is my proverbial enemy, my arch enemy. But I am not a psychopath or anything to take revenge; I just decided to get away from it.
Of the Truth – I don’t know where it came from. Maybe the product of those two nights, but I think it was there even before that. This is the source of my purity, this is what keeps my head high. Now, I am from India. Going to the Himalayas to seek Truth is in its soil. Millions have done that. And I wanted to do that too.

So both things were in the favor of my running away. There was both a push and a pull. But I didn’t. And perhaps it’s a thing to rejoice that I didn’t. It shows that my desire for truth is more powerful/more deeper than my hate for society. And that my desire for truth is more subtle than that of other seekers. I knew, I have always known, that truth can’t be reached by any action, any effort. It is an entity that really… requires nothing. and in that sense my running away would be a hypocritical move. What is there is always there; what isn’t there can’t be there.

And this precisely was the reason. I remember sitting on a chair all day long realizing this very thing, when the act was scheduled at night. Nothing else stopped me but the realization of stupidity of doing anything.

No, it was not the desire to take revenge that stopped me. No such thing came in my mind that day, I remember that very well. Today I might think whatever I want, but fact remains fact. I cannot be corrupted at heart. This seed of truth is there at the centre of my heart, pure, incorruptible. I might do whatever I do in outer life but somehow I always feel like its all fake and temporary. I will fulfill my instinct – now, twenty years from now, or at the last moment of my life.