I don’t understand why sometimes I wake up feeling ok and other times I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed…I sleep for 10 hours and still feel tired. I no longer get joy out of my appearance. I hide it as much as can because my boyfriend puts up with so much, with my panic attacks and anxiety. We try to rate how much I hate myself daily on a scale of 1-10. I live in fear of when he will leave me, because who could love an empty shell. I don’t understand why he hasn’t left me, I have so little joy. I don’t even know what I’m trying to write about right now. At some point during each day I come to the conclusion that I should die, and I crave it so much when I think about it. I guess I just want to sleep for a very long time. If you never stop sleeping, you never have to wake up and feel the horrible burden of guilt in your heart.
I guess I just want to talk to other people who might feel the same way.
3 comments
I slept for a good couple of years. I was rather depressed and I somehow managed to figure out how to put myself to sleep. I could sleep all day and all night. It didn’t make me feel any better though. In the end I had to change my life. That didn’t make me feel better either… But it changed my priorities which made me less inward focused.
I also dated a guy who sounds like you… He hated himself, felt empty and worthless had no lust for life and would have rather been dead. However like your BF loves you, I loved him. Some people can only love broken people. I don’t know why… But I Couldnt love a regular happy BF. Maybe your BF is like that too.
You should try to hang on to him for as long as you can. He must have his reasons for staying with you. Don’t try to overanalyze his motives. Just be glad he loves you for you, even though you don’t feel you deserve it. I would give everything just to have 5 loving seconds with my beautiful girl one more time. Heck, I would even accept 3 seconds. Or two. Or even one. Just one more long second.
Worthless_loser 73 is right.
He loves you, he wants to be with you, be glad about it.
Don’t think why he’s with you, enjoy it.
Accept it. And “make” yourself better for him.
Talk with him about those stuff, not all together but a bit. See if he can handle it.
You need to take it out, you can’t keep it to yourself.
My girl broke up with me, and because I kept it inside, I came to find this website.
I came to think about it.
But hey, you have him, he loves you. he cares about you. Enjoy it as much as possible!
All will be good in the end :D, I can promise that :).