Please, Lord….release me……….back in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s I sang a lot (lyric tenor/folk music voice). 5.5 years ago congestive heart failure took my voice, range and power. I have never smoked, done even one illegal drug and don’t drink alcohol. I want to be released. I NEED to be released.
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Is it better to have had a passion and lost it, than to have never had a passion at all?
So that would make you about 60?
Yep….I turned 60 on March 26. I worked steadily from the age of 18 until my heart crapped out on me. After 6 months of medical stuff (open heart surgery, pharmaceutical and physical therapy over the course of 4 months, I went back to work full time (hotel management). I lasted a year and the doctors recommended I go for disability because I was one of the small percentage that never really recover from all of the trauma done to the heart (blocked arteries, enlarged heart, reduced functionality). I got it on my first try. A mixed blessing. I have insurance and a tiny income (just barely above poverty level) and a small inheritance that is invested and I can draw from if needed.
But I feel so useless. I tire very easily (used to be a ranked tennis player in Phoenix city leagues). Everyone I know works full time, none of my peers/colleagues are retired, let alone disabled. So I am very lonely, had to leave California because I could no longer afford to live there. Isolated in AZ, lonely, useless….doctors diagnosed MDD, not Bi-Polar or schizophrenia. I have had suicidal ideation for 4 years, and drugs just make it worse.
So…..I dream of just going to sleep and never waking up, or maybe stopping all of the meds I take for my heart. Worst case scenario is jumping from the GGB. I’ve done extensive research and know exactly what that means.
I feel like a useless drain on family (all have very busy lives) and society. Am donating my remains to a medical school. I have no debts. This will be clean and easy when it happens…..it’s just not happening fast enough…..I never did have any patience.
So this is your first bout with major depression? It seems like your depression is circumstances-based, then (which puts you in a minority around here). I wonder why the meds aren’t so effective for you, then… maybe the isolation. It is *tough*, I know.
Do you feel like you’ve lived a good life, on balance? Done right by people?
I salute you for making it to where you have. I’m 39, and it seems almost laughable for me to imagine making it another 30 or 40 years. (And my circumstances aren’t even so bad; some of us are just weak and/or wicked.)
Actually, Blub….I attempted when I was 17 due to extreme bullying. Off and on, over the years, I’ve always felt like Hermie the Elf in Rudolph. You know, the one who wanted to be a dentist and not make toys. He ended up on the Island of misfit toys…..that’s me. Feelings of isolation and not fitting in have only increased over the years. So I guess you could say my depression has been building since childhood. At least that’s what my therapist figured out.
I feel like I have lived a fairly useful life. I’m extremely sensitive and can’t stand inconsiderate, selfish, greedy people. I have never intentionally hurt anyone.
I guess I’m just too altruistic. But as long as our society continues to devalue and demonize the poor and disabled, I feel I have no hope or reason to stay alive. I am just so damned tired! My heart function has continued to deteriorate over the last 5 years.
Maybe that’s what I should do too but I can’t envisage someone slicing my brain to check for abnormalities. But that’s pretty selfless.
Then I salute you twice for making it so long. And once more for being the one to take care of your parents (I read your profile). I’m probably going to end up in that position, and I am not looking forward to it.
There’s really not much I can say to console you – you know the score better than I do, and obviously you’ve had some deep strength to keep you going. I just hope that you can focus more on what you’ve accomplished, which, in my eyes, is quite a lot.