Waking up everyday feeling that you’re worthless, not knowing what to do with your life. I constantly think about the meaning of it all, yet I always come up with a blank. Living day after day without anything to hold on to. I have a couple of friends that I hang out with sometimes or go to events, but I don’t know how to make real connections, because I’m socially awkward. I keep telling myself “Just try to be friendly, do your best, you will improve, you will meet new people, everything will get better” But it doesn’t. It just gets worse and just thinking about the fact that all my hard work is useless hurts so much.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about my true feelings, even those friends, I assume it has something to do with me being reckless when I was younger, trusting the wrong people and being too open with them, which ended in me being constantly embarrassed and the only thing I could do is just close up little by little, eventually forming a wall that doesn’t allow me to make true connections with others. I just… I just wish I could have somebody to talk to, talk about my ups and downs and listen to that person’s highs and lows as well, caring for each other and holding each other in the most dire of situations.
I wish it could be easy to suicide. If I was given a button that would kill me, I would press it without hesitation. But there is no such thing. And I’m left pondering what I should do, being scared that it might not work, I wake up in a hospital, everybody finds out and judges me… That’s not to say that I’m the happiest of people on the outside, I’m pretty sure some notice that there’s something wrong with me and I find it hard to endure, because I don’t want anybody who I don’t trust to know. And in this situation, that is nobody.
Everything just feels so empty. I keep reflecting on the past, even though I’m still young and keep thinking how great it was to be a kid without any cares or worries. Now all I do is lay on the floor most of the times, feeling emotionless. Everything is just so empty… And I just want to leave this place, because its just so heart-breaking. For a couple of years I’ve had this desire to get into a relationship, because I’ve never been in one, however that seems impossible, because I can’t even make any new friends. It’s been so long, that I recently realized something.
How can I be happy with someone else, if I can’t even be happy with myself?
Surely my sadness would eventually seep into the heart of my beloved one and the kindness and love that person brings would soon disappear, because the bad impacts us more than the good. And I don’t want to be the one that ruins the life of a beautiful person inside and outside.
I’m paranoid about people trying to track me down, of not taking me seriously. I’m just trying to release SOMETHING. It’s just so hard to carry all of this inside me, never letting it go, opening up to someone. I want to shout as loud as I can, I want to do something.
I know it’s terribly selfish of me and I don’t blame you if you think I’m a horrible person, but could you please just write something if you’ve read through this. I don’t want to feel like a random piece of trash drifting through the endless ocean of the internet. I just want to be able to get a glimpse of what it feels to be cared about, loved by someone, understood. Please…
6 comments
I’ve read your post and I understand your pain. I could feel it while I was reading. Unfortunately, I don’t have any helpful answers. I’m on the brink of ending it all, myself. So I’m not one to preach to you. Maybe someone else will provide the positivity.
You made some good observations. I especially related to the part about the bad impacts us more than the good. That has been my experience, also.
You are in pain because you feel alone with no one to talk to. It’s interesting how different people react to the same thing. I had been mostly alone for many years of my life. While it wasn’t ideal, it never made me feel suicidal. I was fortunate enough to be able to manage the feelings of loneliness.
Then about 6 years ago, she came into my life. She made me whole. She was flawed, I was flawed, but together we were better than the sum of our parts. We were healing each other with our love.
Then she left and took everything away from me. Now I’m alone and I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to hold on for. Sure, as some have suggested, I could eventually find someone else. Maybe even someone “better”, whatever that really means.
But the simple truth is, I don’t want someone else. I don’t want anyone else. I want her. I only want her. Her love, her touch, her friendship, her companionship, her everything.
Without her in my life (and her three kids that I also love with all my heart) I have no reason to live anymore. My will to live is gone. My time here is running out. Success is what I need.
Are you a Dane OP? If so at least you have that going for you…one of the happiest nations on earth allegedly. Of course it will still have its share of depressed people.
I read your piece and felt for you, could relate to what you said about building up a wall as a result of being repeatedly hurt and trusting too easily when young. Actually I’m not sure how ‘genuine’ my few connections are either, and I’m often lonely.
Doesn’t make us in any way ‘trash’ though, or horrible people. Hell, all I can really tell you OP is that I relate and you’re far from alone in your feelings, however cliche that is.
Hey, I read what you wrote… Like many here I often feel alone.
Relationships are tricky they can make you feel better, they can also make you feel a whole lot worse!! Loving someone with issues is considerably harder, but for me those issues are what makes someone more interesting. I love trying to figure people out. Even if they throw it all back in my face. Damn that hurt. Anyway… People always say happiness comes from within, but I don’t think it’s the same for everyone. Some people are happiest in a relationship. The trick is just waiting for someone who’s interests and priorities match your own. When they come along youll know it and think ahh right so everything else WAS bullshit after all 🙂 good luck with that!
You can talk to us. You can shout at or with us!
I think you are asking the right questions. And while, I have a different perspective on being in love, giving love. I found your point of view interesting. I think there are many shades of love, all of them transient. I don’t have any regrets for exploring them all. And we certainly didn’t destroy each other at the end. If I only focused on the bad, they wouldn’t be so hard to forget– I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Yes, yes I know, thats just a shallow interpretation. What you are talking about is me here, still remembering, destroyed because of love. Well, I’m not. I think very fondly on it and would not trade it for the world.
Also what QuirkyFox said…
I too am on the brink of ending my life. I do not have much to give in terms of advice, but I do have some food for thought (what a stupid phrase, right?). This hopefully being my last night alive, I have realized that for those of us with persistent suicidal thoughts, we will all come to a day when we know our time is up. That the suffering and the pain who destroyed us for so long will finally cease to have their power. It is a day of great peace, and a day of great sadness. I do not ever encourage another person to attempt or commit suicide, and I encourage you to fight and get help and do everything you can to get better. That being said, if your time ever does come, you will know it in your heart, no matter how broken or empty it has become. I hope you make it and find the elusive happiness and fulfillment we all seek, and I hope you never have to face the day of which I write. Best of luck to you and to all who are suffering along with us. I am sorry if this was not helpful to you in any way.
Thank you so much for the replies! You have no idea how grateful I am that people decided to take their time to read what I wrote and it really helps to know that even though the circumstances are different, the root of our pain is connected in a way and I believe that helps us better understand one another.
@worthless_loser 73 I’m really sad to hear that and I’m sad that I can’t completely understand what you’re going through, but I think I have an idea of what you mean by saying nothing can replace your loved one. I just think that even though people might say a person is “better” for you, they don’t understand that it’s not easy to make a unique connection with a person and I feel you had that connection with her.
@louise52 I’m in fact not Danish. I don’t feel safe revealing my home country, but what I can say is that my country is in the Top 10 by the number of suicides.
@QuirkyFox For some reason I’m not afraid to take on new difficulties that another person brings in a relationship, because I know that the love and joy that person gives you is invaluable. And you just might be right saying that some find happiness from with themselves and some – from others. I hope I can one day find out the truth, if it’s not too late by then…
@cephalus Perhaps we focus on the bad, more than we do on the good, because our brain is trying to show us the flaws in the world around us and pushes us to make things right, however it is a daunting task, that drains our hope of a fulfilling life and pushes us to a horrible end that is suicide.
@Anon313131 The fact that you will be leaving us ( or have already left us) makes me feel very bitter. I too, do not try to alter the decision, that another person makes about suicide. I feel that the only thing we are allowed to do is guide the one in deep pain, for it is up to the person to decide what their fate is. I understand that you only wish for the best, but right now I feel like dying is the only that that would bring me real peace, the sense of everything just disappearing appeals to me more, than the thought of finding happiness, probably because it just seems like an illusion to me. Please don’t be sorry – every answer brings me closer to finally finding true peace in reality.
I apologize for repeating myself, but I really REALLY do appreciate every single one of your replies, you brought me something new and fresh to think about and even though it hasn’t changed my mind, it’s still very refreshing to think that somebody actually took the time to reply (Even though I do feel like I wasted some of your time). And I’m sorry if my answers to your comments didn’t make much sense, but it’s the best that I could do with my limited ability of expressing myself. I just hope that we can all one day find tranquility in our lives, before darkness consumes us from within.