My story is a bit of a funny story, I suppose. I had an awful childhood. Not the worst, it had it’s bright moments, I suppose. I was never physically abused, but physical abuse isn’t the worst kind of abuse… When I was really little, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and the doctor said I was borderline autistic, but he didn’t want me to live with that label too, so he never gave me an official diagnosis. But he said my symptoms were so bad, I would likely never graduate high school, and if I did it would be through special education.
My parents divorced when I was an infant. It was decided that I would live with my mother. At first, my father made attempts to see me. But shortly after I started school, I hardly saw him. Since middle school, I can count on my fingers how many times I’ve seen him. Meanwhile my mother remarried, and I’ve been the emotional punching bag of the family for the past decade and a half, or so. My awful, destructive, mentally murdering family. As I grew up, the pain often became unbearable. I had no friends, nobody to talk to. I hated my life, and I was warped into something I came to hate. To combat the impeding suicidal thought I found myself enclosed in, I decided to erase any sliver of emotions I ever had. I never felt upset anymore, so the thoughts went away. Many called me a robot, but I didn’t have the feelings to care. This made my life tolerable, but the concept of relationships and friendships was not something I could even comprehend at this point. And yes, argue with me however long you want, I had no sensible feelings for many years.
In spite of my challenges and home life, I managed to graduate from high school with honors, and get accepted to a university with a nice handful of scholarships. I got a job, where I am constantly commended for my superb work ethic. I will soon graduate from college. I have a girlfriend for the first time, and can finally have emotions again. I fought, and won.
But now my life has made a shitty turn, once again. work has become hell. University life is consuming every ounce of patience I could ever have. Family life has become even more detrimental. And now that I have emotions again, I cannot handle it. Seeing as I never emotionally matured as a child, life slaps me harder than I can stand. The suicidal thoughts have returned, and as an adult I actually have the capability to act on such thoughts. I’ll keep fighting it, but fighting it only makes things worse in the long run. The stress wears me down, and will make me succumb to the thoughts eventually. I’ve never hurt myself, but I still have many years of life to deal with…
If life is a constant battle of conquering myself, the darker side of me will eventually outsmart my vigilant self. What’s the point of delaying the inevitable?
1 comment
i can understand you have suffered a lot in your life . i have suffered too.. but atleast you have made the doctors wrong by getting in university and shown to others that people in your similar situations and diagnosis can get into university