i typed this up a couple weeks ago but removed within a couple hours removed some content that id rather not be indexed and re-posting
being depressed all the time is not easy lack of sleep completly drained any little glimmer of hope i used to have i cant do it anymore feel like giving up and crawling in a dark hole and waiting for endless sleep to creep up i know ill probaly never accually take my own life but the thought of it does make me feel a little better sometimes i wander how much better everyone who knows me life would be if i was never born i know everyone thinks i should just let it go and move on with my life but i cant its been a year and i still cry almost constantly out of nowhere i wish there was an easy way to erase memories but theres not its something im going to beat myself up over for the rest of my life somedays i acually feel normal and think things might be looking up but the next the overwhelming emptyness hits me like a ton of brick and i find myself even deeper in despair than before i realy wish when i od’d they just left my ass dead would have made shit alot better cause im too chicken shit to do it on purpose sometimes i wish i could just go live out in the wild all alone cause i feel all alone anyway my own mind drives me crazy it wont shut up all these thoughts constanly running through my head reminding me that i probaly am going insane i wish there was a botton i could hit to turn it off and just have an empty mind with no thoughts but i guess if i did that i wouldnt be myself anymore of course would that really even be a bad thing sometimes i wish i never started doing dope but if i didnt id still be doing pills and thats almost just as bad i lost my closest friends because of it and thats a damn shame i really though people were genuinly on my side but ive come to learn that the only one on my side is me and that scares me cause i dont even like me the first thing people say when youre suicidal is think about how the people who care about you would feel if youre gone i like to believe that the people who care about me could put thier own feeling aside and not be selfish enough to have me continue to live through this hell just to spare thier feelings not sure how many people accualy know how desperate ive gotten i try to put on a happy face and hide the monster inside but sometime he shows himself when i least expect it im contently going on facebook when im feeling a little better about myself and deleting shit from when i felt like shit im always looking back and wandering if theres anything i could have done differently so things didnt turn out like this and there is but would i want to is the real question i think the monster i was with is almost as bad as the monster ive become anyone who claims to “love” you would not end thing in the most devastating way possible as to push you farther down the rabbit hole i mean come on at least have the decancy to tell me to my face and to plan it all out with him while were still together i dont care who you are in my book thats cheating dont you think you should leave your husband before you start talking to one of his friend about hooking up and moving in…. ive deleted my fb since originaly posting