Alcohol… makes me feel great for a few hours then horrible for about 24. Last night I drank two-thirds of a bottle of wine, way too much for this middle-aged woman. Pills have never been my friend and I try to avoid sedatives as much as possible, but insomnia, a companion since childhood seriously kicked in the past few months along with my suicidal tendencies, and I’ve been reaching for that bottle of pills too often. While the pill hangover is zombie-like the booze makes me want to die even more than ever.
In the past year I’ve managed to almost completely isolate myself from family and the few friends I had left. Sometimes I wake up and the first thing I do is go to SP. How sick is that? But how many of you can relate?
I want to go to an AA meeting, where misfits like me gravitate and usually find we belong. I crave human contact, but I’m scared. Haven’t been to a meeting in many years and now I am OLD. Can anyone offer a few words to help push me out the door? I’m too fuzzy-headed to drive anywhere tonight but I’m off work tomorrow…
Peace, to all my fellow SP visitors. Many of you have helped me make it through this past year.
7 comments
Go out and live your life. You may be getting older, but everyone is.
You can go do things. Enjoy what you have.
Go through the door. Live your life.
It is your right to do so.
Violet,
Alcohol is my drug of choice, haven’t had any in a year now. Yeah, I feel great when I first start drinking, but then I get myself in trouble, usually with the law. Pills are my second love, ben taking quite a few lately although they are prescribed by my doctor. I’ve done the isolation thing and it’s not good. I’m middle aged too but isolation only makes things get worse. I’m battling it right now. My new counselor says she is going to get me in some groups in the the future, but that hasn’t happened yet. So I can relate to what you’re saying-it’s scary getting yourself out there when all you want to do is hide in your apartment. So I hope you can find the strength to get yourself to a meeting. It’s not easy, but you can do it. Good luck.
Thank you, Streamers and JustReallySad. I really appreciate the support. Take care.
I can relate to this post 100% your not alone.
AA is a good place to meet women. (If you’re a woman ignore the first sentence and stop reading now).
If you’re a guy AA is awesome. I went there to quit drinking and I met awesome chicks with lOw self esteem. It was a positive, life affirming experience.
I went to AA meetings and NA meetings. They have a very secific vibe about them and they all follow a pretty basic structure. Those meetings help alot of people, if you feel that type of environment is what would truly help you change then I think you should do everything you can to reach a meeting.
Yeah I’ve done the Twelve Step thing, not a drinker though. I found it difficult to articulate the things I really wanted to talk about, though one meeting, for people with addiction plus a mental illness, I didn’t have to censor myself so that was helpful. I honestly would attend ‘Suicide Anonymous’ if there was such a thing. My main addiction these days seems to be to suicide forums . Just like you Violet, I am on SP first thing in the morning. It helps to cushion me from this harsh and lonely life, it’s a comfort zone. Is it really so fucked up? Well yes…and no. There are certainly worse things.
I am also prone to isolate but have recently been reconnecting with a lot of old rl friends and taking more risks socially (in a good way) so I wish that you too will find congenial companionship in ‘real’ life.