As I’m near the end for the third time in 2 1/2 weeks, my main wish is for success. I have read the statistics on suicide attempts over and over. I know the dangers of a failed attempt.
So my realistic, rational wish is to be able to do it right and not leave myself in even worse shape than I’m now. Because as much pain as I’m in now, it would be worse if I fail.
But regardless of that wish, I still have another wish that is not realistic. It’s actually quite irrational, as it is not possible and would never happen.
Those that have read my many posts and comments, know my unending love for my ex-fiancée. Even after all the pain she has cause me, I still love her with all my heart and soul.
So my wish, the impossible one, is that I can see her one last time before I go. I haven’t seen the real her since February 1st. Haven’t talked to the real her since February 4th.
Since then I have been wishing to see the real her just one more time. Even if it is just for a few seconds. I just want to see her one more time.
Yet I know it is impossible. I know it will never happen. I know that I don’t exist in her mind anymore. I know she now loves the person that hates me the most in the world.
But yet I still wish for this one last meeting. To see her beautiful face one last time. To see her smile. At me. One last time.
10 comments
worthless_loser 73 ,
I understand what you are saying, I’m not trying to pop your bubble but I don’t think seeing her one last time isn’t going to make you feel better, you will want to see her once more after that or perhaps not? if it didn’t go well. I suggest finding a new person if your going to stick around, I know that’s not what you want to hear 🙁 but it beats being alone. also unless you are going to attempt a cry for help like superficial cuts on your wrist to get attention, now keep in mind I’m not knocking you! I’m just saying never try to kill yourself and not be 100% positive about what you are doing, you could wind up a vegetable or something! if I kill myself I guarantee it will work and be painless.
is, the vodka kicking in 🙂
So sorry for you man. I feel you..this is it. I hope you will find rest. Sadenly, there is no afterlife or bullshit like that. After you die , that’s it. This is my opinion after all the shit I’ve been through.
Costy,
“Sadenly, there is no afterlife or bullshit like that. After you die , that’s it. This is my opinion after all the shit I’ve been through.”
No no! not Sadenly! that’s a great thing! who wants a repeat of this anyways! once is enough! but! try to enjoy your once!
I could have enjoyed but I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am aready dead. I see no point, if I die think about me when you are drinking your vodka 🙂
Costy, I’m thinking of you now! another lost soul! like me! I suffer from depression and anxiety, overwhelming! plus other issues! long story! matter of fact my afflictions are one of a kind! it’s amazing I continue, really! physically I look great! physically I feel tourcherd! long story! I do battle everyday! to wake up and continue! I’m a very special person! ok! listen! I’ve been through it all! several times over and OVER AGAIN! I WOULD LIKE NOTHING BUT TO CHANGE THINGS AND MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! But you see that is impossible! my mission in life has been to be an entertainer, to make people feel good to laugh! to forget their problems for a few hours and feel good, I was successful but I’m telling you it took practice! eventually I realized even through I was making some peoples night! I was falling deeper and deeper into reality, it got harder and harder to believe in what I was doing, I didn’t feel the silly emotionions any longer, life experiences can be devastating! almost like living a lie! I wish I was young and dumb again, wisdom kill me.
killed me! ha ha!
Something you said reminded me of a book I read long ago. Honestly, if I was god, I would mandate all who post on this site at least read 10 pages from it.
Its caled This is How by Augusten Burroughs. See the chapter “How to end your life”. (For some unknown reason to me, I feel it is important. ATM I feel like I would buy a copy for all those who asked, including you.)
Anyway, if you do decided to go, you will be missed. You have connected and shared empathy with many a soul on this site. Thank you.
Hope you find peace, one way or another, brother.
I hope he found peace. Like we all want to find.