I see people most days that are suicidal. Thoughts, attempts, hospitalized.
I usually get them. Not all of their struggles but I do understand the struggle with death. I call it my dance with death. When the invitation. Becomes so strong and i just want to give over into the strong arms of death. I am exhausted. I am mostly able to see hope for others. But I struggle to find a space where I
can experience my own existence as bearable. I don’t see my life as worthless but unbearable. This constant undercurrent of not wanting to be. I go through times when suicide’s voice becomes a faint whisper. But especially when I am drained and stress compounds the invitation becomes stronger and stronger until it is a near obsession. I think about it, dream about it, read about it…just to survive another 5 minutes becomes an exhausting challenge. I have been battling for over 30 years with suicide’s invitation. I am still here…
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Your doing pretty well then how old are you now?
44
started having suicidal thoughts when I was 12.
I am not sure why I am still here.. But I am..
I know things do change… Sometimes for the better… Sometimes for the worse…
currently so dark, surprised that I am still reaching out.. So exhausted..
Since coming here I’m beginning to understand and notice I’m not the only one with struggles. Its nice to know. Have you had some good days during that time. I’ve been suicidal for about a year or so and it pains me a lot. So difficult like a change of heaps of thought processes and what ifs do’s and dont’s lack of friends and family.
And now a stupid challenging illness something called depressed paranoid schizophrenia can’t treat my depression because it increases mania and voices in me. Sigh
Yes there has been good times.
the horror of darkness just feels so bad that I forget and can’t believe that it was okay.
want to escape the darkness now rather than sitting in it. The suffering is unbearable.
have been on meds before but couldn’t find one over the years that had more pros than cons.
I am sorry that you have such a complex diagnoses. They couldn’t even figure out meds cocktail to help?
Its about serotonin and dopamine the anti psychotics stop dopamine receptors and I have been bypassing my psychiatrist to get clonazapam from the doctors because it helps with my voices but now the fukin doctors want permission from my fukin psychiatrist and I see him in two weeks and he doesn’t like benzos even the small amounts I take equiv to 5mg of vallium sweet fuck all so I’m fretting. Because he may say no more benzos. And I’ll constantly be hearing voices that say I’m paranoid and I’m suicidal and heaps of other shit. I’ve tried heapsa anti psychotics and none work for my voices only benzos
First thing my psychiatrist always says. Any suicidal thoughts or feelings. I say no because I don’t want to be locked in a psych ward again or be given shit that will knock me out like a zombie
And they usually don’t like benzos.
I found that benzos make me very depro. It helps for a bit but then I am more suicidal.
I struggled to get off one of the anti-depros that worked great in the beginning but started having bad problems with memory etc. Was nightmare to get off.
have been off meds for 16 months. Still do occasionally benzos.
psychologist suggested going back on antidepros but don’t want to deal with side effects again.
also the undercurrent never changes
Where I work when people have suicidal thoughts they don’t just get admitted as so many people do have thoughts. Its more degree of thoughts and if they have a plan.
I do know for myself one thing that keeps me from attempting is fear of admission to psych ward
I tried escitalopram and it worked OK for my suicidal tendencies but I got major anxiety from it and began feeling manic. Maybe they’ll try me on another SSRI but I think it will be the same. My old key worker the ***** use to tell me don’t be silly clonazapam doesn’t stop the voices always use to say I was always very I’ll and shit. Fuck she was a *****. What sort of work do you do.. Mental health work?
Yip, work in mental health
I think many of us work in mental health because we also struggle and kinda get what people are experiencing
I tried every SSRI ever, and none of them did squat for me. Cymbalta 60mg once a day helps with the general depression (and the Rheumatoid Arthritis). One thing to take into consideration is that people dealing with “mental weights” (as I like to call them), are more prone to become addicts. So that’s one reason I’ve known medical professionals to not wanna prescribe anything useful.
Personally, I say a place for everything, and everything in it’s place. That being said, I looove to smoke. Yes, that. I only do it when it seems darkest though. I self-medicate. Its hard to do so when you have to hide what you do from everyone around you, but I do what to so I can survive.
I thought about working in mental health but when I had my first episodes I was being dillusional on the street and cops came to the rescue and I called him a pedofile a few times but I was sick at the time so they had me up for assault. I was full blowen hallucinating seeing and hearing shit an aweful thing to say but it wasn’t entirely me. So I have criminal convictions now that stop me from having a good career. As soon as any employer sees that shit on my record they would straight up say anything but employ me.
That is terrible, sorry.
Can you go and study?
I always wanted to finish my automotive training but can’t get an inspection authority cert because of it either so I’m fucked lol. I’m 31 now and not even half way through my life feel like a bum and live with my mum.
Any other possibilities?
Nope. I could just be a plain old mechanic without the privileges. My ego wants priviledges though. Always the stupid ego. I’m totally qualified as a welder but never learnt to actually make stuff. But I have so many problems like I get bored easily on sleep meds so sleep til 8.30-9 when I was young I coped so well I don’t know how I fukin did it. My psychiatrist says retrain the brain I still have it all in up there. But now I have to work around some stupid illness of the brain with stupid drugs I know I have to take so I won’t have another psychotic illness.
Psychotic episode*
You have my deepest sympathy schizophrenia222, I have bipolar and have had many psychotic episodes with over 30 hospital admissions on a section (forced). Among my peers with severe mental health problems it’s pretty unusual to have a job/career and I too live on disability benefits. I hardly know how well I’d actually cope or not in a full time job as it’s just so damn long since I did one. The employer would certainly have to make adjustments of some kind and be understanding, such employers are hard to come by and now I’m 53 with a huge gap on my CV despite having achieved a first class degree and done a lot of other courses and voluntary work.
So benzos do the trick? My docs too, even the GP’s, won’t go near benzos especially as I have some history of drug abuse. It’s frustrating for you that they won’t give you what actually works, they’re just covering themselves out of fear that you will be addicted, if they had any idea what it’s like living with this shit they would prescribe the buggering things. I don’t hear voices thankfully but I feel for anyone who does.
After I got diagnosed I found four jobs within a year 1 totally sucked and one was great dollars, even got offered an apprenticeship after probation but couldn’t hold anything down before I got sick again. So no one will ever give me a reference ever again unless I do another course and the tutor gives me one. Either that or I go through an agency but I highly doubt I can work a full week ever again unless its something I totally enjoy and my hopes and dreams are nearly over if it wasn’t for my mum and not hurting her ild already have been dead by now.
Luckily enough I have no record of addiction that’s why this go gave me some last time with repeats. Now he’s saying I don’t think that’s the long term solution fuck him.
They all wanted to employ me because I had a great record of work and was pretty much top student 7months at welding school passing all my overhead xray test which is pretty unheard of. But I now get fukin bored easily and don’t know if I like working as an engineer now. Hell I even wanted to be a computer technician bought heapsa books and study shit to be certified now I’m bored of that even. Yeah I’m pouting but mental illness sucks and sorry about your bi-polar. I remember being given drugs security taking me into locked cell and they had to drag me and boot my legs out from under me.