What goes around, comes back around

When i was 16 my life was simple, i had many friends, i was the funny bestfriend, and i dont know anything but happiness. Though my mom works abroad its okay cause im used to it, she’s been in another country for five years. I live with my dad, we are not close so i dont really talk to him that much. I had a boyfriend and we both loved each other so much. But when i started to feel uncontented i started cheating on him over and over again. I would also say hurtful words to him, i made him feel useless. and i totally didnt care for what he felt because of it. He would forgive me but i will just hurt him again. I didnt have an idea how much it affects him which i probably made him feel down and depressed. Then after a year, we broke up. I didnt think about him after that. But i swear i loved him so much, God knows that. At 17 i started playing skateboard and i get to know new people. Their “crew” is called RHScrew (rizal high skate crew). They are all boys, and theyre like 6 years older than me. I started going home at midnight because of playing and my dad started to get mad at me everyday, he would yell at me saying foul words which made me hate him a lot more and now i still dont talk to him. I didnt care. And then i knew this guy, he also plays skate together with the rhscrew. But i barely know him because i dont see him when i play. I got a text from him saying that he saw me at a friend’s house and i caught his attention so he asked for my number from a friend. And then we started to know each other, talked often and he said he likes me. He opened up about his “ex”, which he was trying to get over with. He said they broke up a long time ago. Then he asked me out, saying if i could help him get over his ex. I secretly liked him too cause he seemed so nice and i thought he was not another asshole cause he’s matured, he was 23 that time. I said yes, and we started dating. I thought i’d be happy. He hid our relationship from the crew which i did not know why, but they found about it though lately. After 2 months a girl texted me talking trash about me saying i was a ***** and i stole her boyfriend. It was my bf’s ex. I was so confused, for he told me they broke up a long time ago. I confronted my bf about it, and i found out that he lied to me, that they didnt have an official break up, my bf told me that he didnt want her anymore, which was for the girl, theyre not over yet. They’ve been together for 3years. I got threaths from texts i didnt know who it was from, that i was gonna die anytime they see me. I was scared. I told my bf that we should break up and he should fix this all. But he begged me to stay, to not leave him. He cried in front of me saying sorry and he wants me so much. I asked him to choose between me or her. He chose me, he told me he will meet his ex and have an official break up. After a month, i thought everything was going fine. But when i checked his phone, i saw their convesation. I’ve read so much, theyre exchanging i love you’s and so much sweet words. My heart literally broke into pieces. I dont know how to describe the feeling, its just awful. I started crying and walked out but he stopped me. He was saying sorry and hugging me. Saying he’d stop texting her. I was a fool for forgiving him, thinking he’s gonna change. But no. Sooooooooo many worse things happened the next months. I cant share them all one by one because theyre just SO many. I cant count how many times he’s cheated on me because of his ex. We’ve been together for a year. But in that one year, I keep finding out that he’s secretly seeing her, visiting in her house, texting her when im not around, going out to the cinema, having dinner and shit. The worst one was he told me he was sick, and he didnt text me after that. So i planned to visit him over and when i got there, i saw his ex taking care of him. I didnt fucking know what to fucking feel. I was riding home with my bike and i didnt care if i get hit by a car behind me. I was out of my fucking mind. I felt numb. Another was on his birthday, I didnt receive a single text from him. But i got him a present and a letter i wanted to give him. I was trying to call him hundreds of times but he wont answer. So i waited outside their house til 3am. Then i saw her sister on her way home so i told her to just give it to him. I knew that he was celebrating his birthday with his ex, she bought him a cake and stuff. All i can afford was a sweet letter and a techdeck which i had when i was a kid. The next day he proudly tells me about his ex’s gift for him, which was a scrapbook full of their pictures and memories. My heart was breaking while listening to that, like he means to hurt my feelings and make me feel useless. Another one was on his cousins birthday. Actually i wasnt really invited cause his sister and cousins dont like me. Because they are close to my bf’s ex. They never talk to me. But he asked me to come over. It was a party and we were getting drunk. I was tipsy so i went up his bedroom cause i wanted to sleep. Then I remember him waking me up but i cant because i was so drunk i cant even stand up anymore. I passed out i cant remember anything. The next day i woke up and he wasnt there, so i asked his mom. All of them dont know where he was. His mom told me i was sleeping on the floor downstairs at 5am and they were waking me up and i was crawling up to the stairs back to his bedroom like a baby. I was fucking embarrased. I couldnt remember anything about it. I was saying sorry. I opened up to her mom about whats going on to our relationship. I was crying. I told her everything. That he’s been cheating on me so many times, that I’ve been failing my subjects in college, that I cant focus in class because of overthinking, that I didnt want to wake up for school, that I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night, and i dont give a fuck about how i look like when i go to school cause all i know is im sad, how he said hurtful things to me like im a useless piece of shit, that i was a whore, and I cant go out with my friends anymore cause he’s gonna get mad saying that im just only finding reasons to hang out with some other guys. I told her many other things and about how i feel. She told me to finish my studies first before minding problems like these because i was still young. And that i should not waste time on boys who cheat on me. So i must forget about him. I went home. I was trying to feel alright. I was trying not to think about all the things that he did to me. I didnt want to eat or do anything. I felt so alone. I was just in bed for days. I just wanted to die. I thought of overdosing on sleeping pills so it wont hurt to kill myself. I even wrote a suicide letter, a letter for my mom and dad and friends, and to him. You dont know how it feels. You dont have an idea. Maybe you think i was stupid because of that idea. But I cant explain myself. I dont know what to do. I cant put into words how much i’ve had enough. Three days later he called me, he said he went out of town with his office mates. And he talks to me like nothing fucking happened. For leaving me like a used tissue wiped off from your ass. I told myself that i shouldnt care about him anymore. But guess what, I still forgive him when i know I shouldnt. I know i’ve been losing respect for myself for being stupid about this. I let him hurt me. This is not me, im not anymore the girl who knows nothing but happiness. I wanna leave him but its not that easy. Something feels empty in me when i try to leave. I want more of him but i know he’s not good for me. Something inside me is telling me that i should stop, but i see myself coming back. I love him so much and i dont want to lose him. Suddenly I realized that all of these thats happening to me is teaching me a lesson, this is my karma, for what i did to my ex. Triple the pain. Or even more than that. I realized that you shouldnt do things to people that you dont want to happen to you. You’ll never know how it feels until it happens to you.