Recently, pain doesn’t work anymore. I’ve been doing self-harm for the last 10 years. It’s about time I get numb but I still do it for the sake of I don’t know. I laugh but after that I’ll still feel the same. I used to be so happy and innocent. Ever since my brother wished me death and my mother looked at me so disgustingly, I feel like something in me lost. I never lived the same. I interact with people but there is this fear I can’t shrug off.
My mother is unstable and my brother has anger-management issue. I keep telling myself I understand but every time my brother gets angry at me, I feel so little. Or with other people getting angry at me. Or thinking I’m useless. I want to escape. I feel my existent is unessential yet I am still here. I don’t know anymore. And now that they discovered my depression and I have a girlfriend, it’s suffocating because even no matter how much I want to end it I just can’t. And now I’m asking myself why I waited for 10 years. I could kill myself back then. I was holding a kitchen knife. If only I thrust it through my guts. I was so naive back then.
At some point, I don’t regret of stopping my attempt. I fell in love with an amazing girl. But of course, there’s the fear of I don’t know. I want to die. I don’t want to die. Some says suicide is for oneself to escape the pain so maybe that’s it. But after I escaped that pain through suicide, what now?
I want my death to be sudden for some reason. So I won’t be able to think. I’m afraid that I would discover something that would change my mind. Like consequences or guilt. I just want to escape.
I’m so sorry. I sounded like a *****. Have a nice day.
4 comments
Living with unstable mother and angry brother is very struggling I know . But you should overcome fear of others(like amazing girl). Not all people are like that
Haha. Thanks for replying. I’ll try but it will be hard.
You didn’t sound too much like a *****. But the only sudden ways out is gun fire and that could get messy. There’s peaceful ways too but ya need ya research and this ain’t a site no more for methods anymore. But its all legit to mention something.
Haha. Good to know then.
There’s car accident but will be troublesome for the driver. So I dare not to. And I don’t even know if I can. There are like 4 car accidents I almost got into. They are quite the shocker. After that, I felt nothing again. Is that even normal?
So maybe I still want to live? Because I still saved my ass and got up. Or not. I still have no idea.