Recently, pain doesn’t work anymore. I’ve been doing self-harm for the last 10 years. It’s about time I get numb but I still do it for the sake of I don’t know. I laugh but after that I’ll still feel the same. I used to be so happy and innocent. Ever since my brother wished me death and my mother looked at me so disgustingly, I feel like something in me lost. I never lived the same. I interact with people but there is this fear I can’t shrug off.
My mother is unstable and my brother has anger-management issue. I keep telling myself I understand but every time my brother gets angry at me, I feel so little. Or with other people getting angry at me. Or thinking I’m useless. I want to escape. I feel my existent is unessential yet I am still here. I don’t know anymore. And now that they discovered my depression and I have a girlfriend, it’s suffocating because even no matter how much I want to end it I just can’t. And now I’m asking myself why I waited for 10 years. I could kill myself back then. I was holding a kitchen knife. If only I thrust it through my guts. I was so naive back then.
At some point, I don’t regret of stopping my attempt. I fell in love with an amazing girl. But of course, there’s the fear of I don’t know. I want to die. I don’t want to die. Some says suicide is for oneself to escape the pain so maybe that’s it. But after I escaped that pain through suicide, what now?
I want my death to be sudden for some reason. So I won’t be able to think. I’m afraid that I would discover something that would change my mind. Like consequences or guilt. I just want to escape.
I’m so sorry. I sounded like a *****. Have a nice day.