Today makes 11 years since i last saw you. 11 whole years since i walked out of your apartment and got into mom’s car. 11 years since you followed me out to tell me you loved me. 11 years since i last looked at you standing in front of me, 11 years since you loaded a gun and ended our lives. i swear i went with you when you died. who i was back then, that girl that loved life and people. that girl that wasnt full of sadness so deep that it literally radiates out into physical pain. i wonder what i would be like now if that girl had grown up. i changed when you left. everything changed when you left. you’ve missed so much. and i realize all the time that you’ll miss so much more and it hurts to no end. i wonder if you ever thought about all that you wouldnt be here for before you did it. did you sit there and think about me on my wedding day before you pulled the trigger? did you think about who would teach me to drive or work on my car? or who would meet my first boyfriend? what if i ever have kids? i want you there dad. ive wanted you there so bad. 11 years is nothing. thats just getting started. ive got so much to go and i hate that thought. this is so fucking hard to deal with. im so happy that you arent dealing with everything that you were. so much that im sure i wont ever completely understand. but it almost feels like all that got shifted, not taken away. i just miss you. i cant say that enough. im not mad, im just grieving and i dont think ill ever be through grieving. i do hope that at least someone sees my letter to you and maybe just maybe one girl like me or her brother like mine wont have to go without their dad. when i say i wouldnt wish that on my greatest enemy, i mean that in the most honest way possible. i love and miss you more than any combination of letters or words could ever adequately express
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3 comments
Thank you for posting. I am very sorry for your loss.
very touching and deep. I’m sorry your father experience such depth of depression that he felt the need to shorten his life. But, he gave the world you! That was his gift to this world. Treasure his gift…always.
Your post made me cry so hard. Made me think of my daughter. For those who haven’t read my posts, she isn’t my “real” daughter. Not biologically or legally. But she is, and always will be, my daughter in my heart and soul.
When her mom (my ex-fiancée who I was with for 5 1/2 years) left me, she went back to her ex-husband, who she had left to be with me. He is not the biological dad, but he is the legal dad, as he had adopted her.
I haven’t seen or heard anything from my daughter since February 1st. I still remember when she came to me and asked me to be her dad when she was just 9 1/2. She called me dad for 5 wonderful years.
I did everything for her, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I did it all because I truly loved her. I couldn’t have loved her more if she was my own flesh and blood. Because in my mind and heart, she was exactly that.
When her mom left me and got back with her ex-husband (who btw hates me more than anything in the world), she cut off all communication with me. She never gave me a single reason as to why. Most likely it was because her ex-husband demanded it. It certainly wasn’t because of anything I did. All I did was love them with all my heart.
Last month when I left an easter basket at her house for the kids, she brought it back and threatened to get a restraining order against me. She told me to never again give them anything at all. Again, no reason was given as to why I couldn’t.
This Friday is my daughter’s 15th birthday. And I’m not even allowed to give her a card, let alone talk to her or see her. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this weekend. How can they be so cruel to me? Don’t they realize how hard this is? Not to be able to say Happy Birthday to your own daughter?
I wonder when I finally end my life, will she write something like this young lady has? And if she does, then why did she agree with her mom to cut off all communication with me? What did she think that would do to me? How can I possibly ever cope with not having the most important thing in my life, my family?
I love you daughter.
Happy Birthday.
Forever yours,
Daddy.