So I here I am with my first post. I’m 40 years old and think constantly of killing myself. I’m always in pain- it’s either depression, anxiety or both. I look forward to bedtime, it’s my favorite time of the day. Blessed sleep. I lost my job as a medical assistant over a year ago. I worked in neurology. I was proud of that career. I was fired. Lost too much work due to mental illness. Now I’ve tried several menial jobs and walked out on all of them. I couldn’t take them. Constant anxiety gnawing at me. Every waking moment is torture. One thing keeps me alive. I have a nine year old son. I love him, but am a terrible mother to him. I can’t keep my house clean, have trouble interacting with him, but killing myself… how can I do that to an innocent nine year old? I sleep in my clothes, often wearing the same ones for days. I barely shower. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to care about myself, my appearance. I know I was happy once, but don’t remember what it feels like. I don’t remember the last time I laughed. I take meds, have had electroshock therapy even. Didn’t help. I wish I could just die. I find myself drinking more and more often. Sometimes I think my son would be better off with his grandparents. They are, after all, more stable than I am-financially, emotionally, etc… I often think I’d be doing my son a favor by killing myself and having him go to them. I’m worthless. I camp on my couch most of the day, reading- trying to escape. The PAIN. it’s too much. I’m so tired. I just can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of the future. I’m always afraid. I HATE this.
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Resuna, your post touched me- I relate to how you feel. I’m nearly 40 and have lost my career to depression (I worked in the legal field). I’ve been battling it on and off for 20 years. I haven’t had ECT, but I’ve had a few rounds of rTMS and will be receiving another round this summer. Right now I’m a point where I shower regularly and make an effort to wear clean and decent clothes, and it feels like a victory because not so long ago I was never showering and staying in bed for days on end never changing out of the same pajamas.
I’ve been where you are and I promise you it can get better.
I would urge you to speak to your doctor about your medication, because maybe a higher dose or different drug is in order. I also wonder if you have any professional support for talk therapy, or if there are any depression support groups your doctor can refer you to. Talking and listening to other sympathetic people who are going through the same thing can be a big help, and you need emotional support.
I don’t have any children. I always wanted kids, but my own bad choices and my struggle with depression has resulted in me being childless. It’s something I am grieving over. I feel like there is a big hole in my life and I’m incomplete. So perhaps it is selfish of me to say this to you, but….your son is the most precious gift you will ever have, and it’s obvious you love him more than anything. Your current illness is probably difficult for him, but you are still his mother and I am 1,000% confident he loves you and needs you. Because you are ill currently, you may not be able to do all the things you used to be able to do for him, but you are still there and still his mom. That bond you have, the love you have for him and the love he has for you, is precious and no matter how hopeless you feel right now, that love is worth living for.
I won’t insult you and tell you that everything will be “fine”, but I will tell you the hopeless and despair DO alleviate if you receive the proper treatment and support. I know how it feels when every waking moment is full of pain, and it might go on like that for a while, even a LONG while, but it won’t go on forever.
I wish I could give you a hug, I hope getting your feelings out helped at least a little. Know that someone out in cyberspace is thinking of you and sending out well wishes your way.
Thank you for your kind words. I have been in happier places… it’s just been so long. I’m sorry to hear that you are childless and regret it. To be honest, a part of me regrets having a child and putting him through this…like I should have known better. I’m encouraged to hear you were in the same state I was in (not being able to change out of your clothes, shower.. etc) and have gotten past it. I have been on so many meds, but perhaps a med change is in order. Thank you for the hug. It is heartening to know someone in cyperspace is sending wishes my way. It helps more than you know. I’ll keep trucking on for now, I MUST for my son. I hope someday I can get back into the medical field. Nothing is impossible I suppose. I cannot express how much your post meant to me. It really made my night. THANIK YOU a million times over. I have a smile on my face and that is rare… you have given me a precious gift.