So I here I am with my first post. I’m 40 years old and think constantly of killing myself. I’m always in pain- it’s either depression, anxiety or both. I look forward to bedtime, it’s my favorite time of the day. Blessed sleep. I lost my job as a medical assistant over a year ago. I worked in neurology. I was proud of that career. I was fired. Lost too much work due to mental illness. Now I’ve tried several menial jobs and walked out on all of them. I couldn’t take them. Constant anxiety gnawing at me. Every waking moment is torture. One thing keeps me alive. I have a nine year old son. I love him, but am a terrible mother to him. I can’t keep my house clean, have trouble interacting with him, but killing myself… how can I do that to an innocent nine year old? I sleep in my clothes, often wearing the same ones for days. I barely shower. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to care about myself, my appearance. I know I was happy once, but don’t remember what it feels like. I don’t remember the last time I laughed. I take meds, have had electroshock therapy even. Didn’t help. I wish I could just die. I find myself drinking more and more often. Sometimes I think my son would be better off with his grandparents. They are, after all, more stable than I am-financially, emotionally, etc… I often think I’d be doing my son a favor by killing myself and having him go to them. I’m worthless. I camp on my couch most of the day, reading- trying to escape. The PAIN. it’s too much. I’m so tired. I just can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of the future. I’m always afraid. I HATE this.