I’ve suffered from depression since I was a little girl. My real father molested me, abused me physically and emotionally, practically leaving me scarred for life. I’m now 15 years old and about to finish my freshmen year of high school.
Now here’s that twist that brought me here:
I started cutting when I was 10. It was a complete accident, I was working with my step dad and cut my hand. We bandaged it up, but that feeling of something like relief stayed with me. Suddenly, I’d purposely find ways to get myself injured. I’d bump into tables, fall off my skateboard, jump from a tree; anything for that relief.
One night, everyone was asleep. I woke up to get a drink and saw a knife on the counter. It hit me, “Why not save myself the issue of looking for ways?” and I started.
No one noticed. They believed the lies, it was the cat, I fell out of the tree, the dog tackled me. One day, my parents found some poems I’d been writing. The first few were happyish, they praised my talent, until the found my first depression poem I attempted to write. I was just about 14 years old.
I stopped for a little bit, they told me they would lock me up if I cut again. Then they stopped checking, and I got worse.
Then, I met this really cute guy, we started dating, and I fell in love. I still am to this day, we’re together and everything. I haven’t cut in 4 months, which is more then I’ve ever done. However, things are building up again and I want to cut. My boyfriend doesn’t know about any of it, I never wear shorts so he can’t see the scars on my thighs and shins. I always have a t-shirt on, so the scars on my upper arm are unnoticed.
Lately, my parents are fighting nonstop. My step dad thinks he may move out and my mom’s burying herself in work. My friends only talk to me when they need help, I’m always last on their list. But I still pretend to be this happy go lucky girl, something I’ve become rather good at. I want to cut, dear gods, I need to cut, but I’m scared that I wont be able to stop. I’m scared that I’ll go as far as killing myself, because I almost did last time.
3 comments
I know this feeling. I’ve been through a similar situation…
It’s hard, you want that relief, its so strangely addicting.
But you found someone, someone you love, who very likely loves you back.
I don’t know the details of your life, but as long as there’s one person out there, no matter how unlikely they may seem, who will listen to you, then stop. Ignore that urge to the best of your ability.
It may not seem that simple. And maybe it’s not, but hang in there
Because you still have a chance.
If you can’t control your cutting, you need a therapist…I doubt anything anyone says here will make any difference to you because it’s a psychological issue you have.
I’m sorry to hear about your abuse-it’s a terrible thing to have happened but unfortunately it seems to be a somewhat common issue, esp. here.
There’s a lot of evil and injustice in the world. We’ve all suffered in our own separate ways. I’ve found the best way to deal with my problems is to live independently, get away from being under someone else’s roof.
The better your income the more freedom and control you have. If you can find a great guy who cares for you, that might help you get better. But there’s no such thing as perfection, relationships have their own problems too…but I’d rather be involved than single.
I understand your need to release your feelings of hurt your feelings of suffering and need to destroy but you seem like an interesting and intellectual property of love and life, everyone is unique and different and its ok to carry that hurt and I know you feel like you’re doing it on your own but you’re not you have to find people who are like you people who appreciate your life like myself and grow and love those who keep you strong and safe inside if you have none or want one my email is treekoke@live.com this isn’t a request but by all means I’m 18 years old my family threw me out with nothing abandoned me I feel just as hurt and need someone myself I promise you, one conversation is all I need people care there’s nothing to gain from destroying your body its beautiful in its own right and you deserve to feel that way