I’ve suffered from depression since I was a little girl. My real father molested me, abused me physically and emotionally, practically leaving me scarred for life. I’m now 15 years old and about to finish my freshmen year of high school.
Now here’s that twist that brought me here:
I started cutting when I was 10. It was a complete accident, I was working with my step dad and cut my hand. We bandaged it up, but that feeling of something like relief stayed with me. Suddenly, I’d purposely find ways to get myself injured. I’d bump into tables, fall off my skateboard, jump from a tree; anything for that relief.
One night, everyone was asleep. I woke up to get a drink and saw a knife on the counter. It hit me, “Why not save myself the issue of looking for ways?” and I started.
No one noticed. They believed the lies, it was the cat, I fell out of the tree, the dog tackled me. One day, my parents found some poems I’d been writing. The first few were happyish, they praised my talent, until the found my first depression poem I attempted to write. I was just about 14 years old.
I stopped for a little bit, they told me they would lock me up if I cut again. Then they stopped checking, and I got worse.
Then, I met this really cute guy, we started dating, and I fell in love. I still am to this day, we’re together and everything. I haven’t cut in 4 months, which is more then I’ve ever done. However, things are building up again and I want to cut. My boyfriend doesn’t know about any of it, I never wear shorts so he can’t see the scars on my thighs and shins. I always have a t-shirt on, so the scars on my upper arm are unnoticed.
Lately, my parents are fighting nonstop. My step dad thinks he may move out and my mom’s burying herself in work. My friends only talk to me when they need help, I’m always last on their list. But I still pretend to be this happy go lucky girl, something I’ve become rather good at. I want to cut, dear gods, I need to cut, but I’m scared that I wont be able to stop. I’m scared that I’ll go as far as killing myself, because I almost did last time.