I was searching for some advices or people’s stories to give me some courage to finally commit suicide. I am a mild aspie, obsessive about games and animes(I stopped with both for a while, after the reality shoved on the truth on my face).
Sorry for the long text and I would appreciate if you could read it all and give your opinion. English isn’t my first language.
Since I remember I have an odd behavior, sensitive feet and skin over certain textures, need to separate food on the plate to eat in a certain order, cleanliness, very strict about the position of my toys and obsession over games. I was very outgoing till I hit 12 years old, I dumped my girlfriend and started to be a reclusive, only playing games(specially mmorpg) and avoiding social interactions. I made it well, I dated some girls between the age of 12-16, then I couldn’t cope with the people in highschool, I felt the need to start to be more outgoing to learn how to cope with people in highschool, I made a few valuable friends by copying their behaviour and doing it as a mirror. I always felt as an outcast, it’s weird, but it’s not like I don’t like people or enjoy loneliness, it hunts me and is a real struggle to make ends meet with people.
I find it to be exhausting to be in social activities for a long extend of time, I need of some time to recover from them.
When I hitted 18 I had to move out and started to hit the gym, because I thought that my last gf broke up with me because of my appearance(but it was probably my behavior).
I broke the chains of my old conducts. My new obsession was now my body. From 130 lbs I got able to hit 190 lbs in 2 years, 12-15% body fat, I got what I wanted, but still was struggling to keep friendships and contacts. Bodybuilding is a lonely sport and it suits well on me since I don’t need to rely on people to get results.
People were often making jokes about my size, the girls liked of it, I got more respected from my male peers, I hated to discover about how shallow people are, how hypocrite and how we are driven by our libido. It was a shock, I didn’t never understand about the social hierarchy in this way and I started to do a research about this subject and how people interact between in each other.
I had a few relationships and I enjoyed, but I remained distant after a few days, because I couldn’t cope very well with the daily routine of having to meet people all the time. I had to move from a city to another and restart from 0 in terms of social contacts. A hellish for me.
I started to play games once again, still doing my diet and trying to take care of my body. I decided to attend to a different course in a new college. I didn’t like of the course and as the time past by I grow a boredom from it and I stopped going to the classes. I was now only staying at home most of the time. Now I was a neet, I hadn’t a reason to keep going to the gym, I finished my spanish classes and started to live in automatic routine. Wake up, computer, eat, sleep.
I didn’t had the urge to do what I should have been doing, it was like my mind was all numb and I couldn’t feel the time flowing. My memory is mostly blank about this period. I don’t have a drive for money, dominance, adrenaline and the urge to perform the social rituals to play the social game. I am mostly very honest about things, even if it hurt the people I am talking to, sometimes I don’t get a sarcast joke/talking. I take things literally.
I can’t keep living like this, I know that I need to enter in the social game to gain social status, blend into a group, gather wealth, attract a partner and be a vitrine. I’ve read about stoicism, nihilism, cynicism, bhuddism, christianism and similar ones. Hobbes, Rousseau, Voltaire, Karl Marx, Spinoza, Lutero, Tomas, Cantillon, Locke and others…
I try to find an asnwers, and Nietzsche, Hobbes & Freud were the mos reasonable onest, I also like of stoicism but it’s just something to trick your brain.
I don’t have much hope to bloom once again and try to cope in the adult world and play the dirty games, adults are way more hypocrite when it comes to social interactions and I am a bit late to start the race. I am 22 years old and I am looking foward to study medicine abroad but I will do it more for the experience.
I often think about suicide because I am tired of this loneliness and I know it’s mostly created by myself. I was born with some pieces missing and faking it is exhausting sometimes. I have a helium tank but still need a mask. I also heard about pentobarbital sodium injection.
34 comments
Umm you get tired of people and you just need time to be alone. You want to fit in but you feel uncomfortable with people after a while. You want to make friends because you’re tired of being alone. I think you shouldn’t force yourself to make friends. I don’t know what to say. You want friends but you want to be alone at the same time. I don’t know what advice to give you. At least you don’t mind making friends. I have to try pretty hard. You’re lucky you’re not in high school anymore. That would suck.
Hey thanks for your reply. Yeah highschool sucks and the whole ritual makes me grind my gears.
Highschool wasn’t so bad, I made a few good friend there but I had to move out of city and lost contact.
Yeah, you can make some really good friends but usually a lot of them are fake. I’m still in high school. Two more years to go. I’m a sophomore…..
I don’t think you should stop anime or games because of others or because of anything else, if you really like and enjoy it.
I find social situations a lot of trouble as well. I personally hate being around people and yes, they are mostly hyprocrites who care about silly things.
I would say people who notice you only when you’re fake, and play ‘social games’ with you, are not worth the time and effort.
You shouldn’t bother too much with people or social games and just be yourself and let things happen.
Not only that it’s way too exhausting to fake it and then have to deal with them later the same way over and over, but that means you’ll be around shallow people almost all the time, which is not worth it in the end (at least in my personal opinion).
You mentioned MMORPGs, i play these often, and it’s pretty funny actually when you have to party for a tough fight or so, or sell anything or do anything that involves others, it’s so much easier and different to socialize on these. I guess since people like the same game they are also into the same things and have similar personalities.
Especially if you’re using game terms, it’s like a different exclusive language.
Not sure if i might be going off topic but just felt it relates to getting along with other types of people, or to a more similar to you type of people.
There are a lot of types of people, and even if most of them out there are shallow and hyprocrites, there’s always a chance you’ll run into someone who will get along with you without having to play games or fake it.
The “normal” people – hyprocrites, shallow, the kind who play games and say one thing and mean/do another, they aren’t worth dealing with much or trying to understand.
Adults can be just as hyprocrite as anyone, yeah, and they’re all just humans just the same afterall. Some adults also think just because they’re a bit older they know everything, or that they are a lot better and the best of the best.
You don’t have to be or act like them.
Hi, thanks for your reply. About meeting people with the same interests, I had this opportunity while I was attending to a computer science course.
I had to move out again and lost contact once more, I enjoyed the time I spent there and we had fun, we could do a lot of things together as well.
Now I will try to get in the trails again,I have a good appearance and it may help.
I will study abroad for a while to gather experience for myself and see how it goes. I should try to meet people in places where I can form some bonds with the same interests, but I don’t know how to start.
Sometimes it seems like you need of friends in order to make new friends.
But I will think about a plan or something to try once again.
I too likes animes and games. By the way, which animes and games are your favourites? can you recommend any anime or game to me?
I’ve stopped watching animes for a while(more than 1 year) and gaming too(only hearthstone, sometimes…) and indulged myself to learn about the human nature, economics, philosophy, society, psychology and everything related to it.
I am very picky about animes and I am not into fanservice, my favorites ones are Psycho-Pass, Barakamon, N.H.K, Tatami Galaxy, Space Dandy, Tokyo Ghoul, My Teen Romantic Comedy, Monster, the girl who leapt through time, Steins Gate…
I was a top player in dota 2, I won bronze in my region when I was younger and made some money from it, perhaps not something to keep living for. I am very good at games which requires dexterity, mostly shooting games and moba games. I am playing chess too sometimes.
I also likes of dysthopia books, Do androids dreams of eletronic sheeps, 1984, catch-22, animal farm, Spice and Wolf novels…But I am not an avid reader.
I also like of games with a valuable content, it can be a 2D one or visual novel, so I don’t care much about the graphics as long it teachs me something.
My favorite 2D game is Divinity Fatum.
Thanks for sharing what you likes. I will try them someday.
Which ones do you like?
I assumes by animes you are talking about japanese animations. I only watches or used to watch animations that were broadcasted in my country in my language which is hindi. I don’t know which of them are japanese animations or not. some animated cartoons which I know are animes are pokemon, kiteretsu, shinchan. I used to like a lot of animated cartoons like looney tunes, noddy, courage the cowardly dog, tom and jerry, alladin, octupus, popoye, powerpuff girls, bob the builder, johny bravo and many many more.
I don’t watches them now. I only watches doraemon or sometimes shinchan these days because i finds myself very similar like nobita in doraemon. when I watch animations, people say to me that i am not a small kid ,only kids watches these things and I should watch some adult things. But I don’t think so. I don’t follow soxiety rules which say that its not appropriate for me to watch these animations at this age.
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Sorry, I didn’t see that you replied my question. Yeah only japanese animations, I used to watch them through the internet. I used to watch cowarddly dog, tom and jerry, johny bravo too, they are all about my childhood.
I stopped of watching it after I was in shock with my life, I can’t enjoy watching those japanese cartoons anymore. I can try but I can’t enjoy it anymore.
Do you have watched the movie ” stand by me doraemon”?
No but it seems to be an amazing one, I will watch it today.
Umm this story you are saying seems kinda bullshit.Lost a girlfriend when you were 12?How and most import WHY did you have a girlfriend in that age???
Who on earth thinks about those things in the age of 12?
And you were very outgoing before your gf left your at the age of 12?Then you started playing a lot of games specialy mmorpg?And so on…
Sorry if i say this but this sounds like you made it up.This is website where people put their real stories not this.
I know it sounds a bit mean but think about what he wrote before bashing my comment ^^
Why? I really had one, I didn’t like her in a sexual way, it’s kinda impossible, but I really liked of her.
After the age of 12 I started to be a reclusive, what is so hard to understand about that?
If you don’t believe on it then it’s your own problem.
If you don’t believe on it then it’s your own problem. She was my first girlfriend, what is so wrong about that?
We just used to hold hands and kiss sometimes, is that a big deal?
I had a very good relationship with my girlfriend at age twelve. Very caring. Unless kissing counts, we were not sexually active, but all of our siblings and most of our friends had sex–not with each other all at once. We only ever had one argument, when I started parting my hair on the side instead of in the middle. I guess she just did not like that very much.
I think much of what Freud theorized has been discredited since then, even though he is still credited as the indispensable father of psychoanalysis.
I hope you will hang in there and keep developing your strengths. Someday you will meet the girl who was put on this planet for you, and both of you will just blossom together surely. Good luck to you.
Hey do you have skype so we can talk to each other, don’t need to be using our voices, only by writting is ok.
I am in a fragile and precarious state of existence, feeling unusually afraid of humans. The only ones I feel willing to risk being hurt by anymore are the females, so not really.
Ok, talk to me if you feel like, I am also a reclusive so I know what you are talking about, I’ve met others too but I gave it a break for a while.
can i ask how you gained 70 pounds in 2 years? id really like to know.
Strict diet, lots of oat, whey protein, albumine, 3-4 days per week, 1 hour, tons of proteins, training aimed to hypertrophy, meals in every 3-4 hours. It’s hard to get used to it, but then you can cope with it overtime.
You will need of money too, so you will be able to afford the diet.
I meant, 3-4 days per week to train 1 for hour in the gym. Do you want to bulk up muscles?
To train for 1 hour in the gym*
“sometimes I don’t get a sarcast joke/talking. I take things literally”
Oh you’re from Canada then? (reference to a joke on the tv show 30 Rock)
Your post really caught my attention because I’m obsessed with health & working out, and I’ve noticed there are several others who are into it like Costy & killswitch. There’s a funny irony. To be obsessed with health while wanting to die.
Anyway I just wanted to chime in, sometimes being in shape & looking good (or at least trying) isn’t about society or how others perceive you. It can be about how you perceive yourself. You probably know that already. Like, it doesn’t matter if nobody ever sees you, but when you look in the mirror sometimes it’s nice to see something appealing… or at least not entirely disgusting.
About philosophy, I haven’t read all of those but I often find quotes by those writers that I agree with. But things like nihilism, cynicism, stoicism, Nietzsche, Sartre… it’s all so damned bleak. Even though I agree with lots of it, it just reinforces the idea that the universe is inherently meaningless, and if that’s the case I don’t feel like participating. So, the same way I avoid reading the daily news because it’s disgusting, I usually try to avoid those philosophies. Give me a stupid Disney flick and that will do much more for my soul than anything Nietzsche wrote. Know what I mean?
“sometimes I don’t get a sarcast joke/talking. I take things literally”
It’s because I am a mild aspergers, it’s a sort of autism, so then it’s hard to understand when someone is feeling envy, being sarcartic, bored, angry or things like that, sometimes I don’t “catch” it.
Yeah, after years of dedication and hard work, I can’t afford to lose the only thing that is left to me, my body, so I still take care of it because it’s my last shrine. I could became a hermit and still would want to take care of my body.
Ignorance is a bliss because it makes you move on and helps you to achieve more in your life, either instinctively and subjectively. Well, Nietzche couldn’t handle the truth and he was just wandering and blumbling to himself for the rest of his life. When he talks about the slave morality it made me realize how important is the authority of God and the christian culure, despite the fact that I am an atheist, because once again, I can’t deny the truth.
I can’t deny the truth, I always try to seek the truth no matter how hurtful it can be, so I cannot deny what those philosophers said. But it doesn’t denies what stoicism is for example, and it’s a great philosophy, aimed to sooth the feelings of anger or sadness.
I agree. The truth is brutal–at least the “truth” that we perceive as living creatures (if we look at truth objectively, dropping our craving for things like fairness and justice, then truth is neither good nor bad, it just is).
Actually, objective truth is one of the reasons why I can’t call myself an atheist even though I don’t believe in any god that’s ever been proposed en masse. Humans have subjectively defined “God” as “the perfect and all-powerful spirit that created the universe”. I think the problem is not that god doesn’t exist. The problem is that Webster defined god wrong.
If instead you take god to mean “the force that governs the universe as we know it” then of course there are endless believable possibilities. Gravity, for example, is a force that prevails in every corner of existence that we know. Could that be “god”? Just because it doesn’t sit on a throne and have a long white beard doesn’t make it any less of a cosmic authority over our lives.
Well I got a little off track, but I guess my point is that so many philosophers proceed from an arbitrary definition, and that leads them to false conclusions, or as you said in the case of Nietzsche, wandering and bumbling to himself haha. I think every seeker of truth should always be experimenting with different ideas even if they conflict with what we’re sure about.
But maybe that’s why I’m such a lost soul. I can’t seem to find any truth that I can believe in wholeheartedly. They all seem to have flaws if you pick deep enough. Maybe there is no such thing as absolute truth, and we simply have to find whatever truth resonates best with who we are. If that happens to be a delusional belief in Santa Claus or even Gravity as the ruler of the galaxy, so be it, if it keeps us going.
I’ve reach to an undeniable conclusion about the animal being, but I wouldn’t like to share about it. It’s simple and has no magical reason, people tend to find a magical and dream-like reason to everything, but it’s more simple than that, the only thing I can say it’s that we are no different from the animals and any other life being, I’ve read about evolutionary psychology as well and the truth has been always in front of our eyes, but we don’t like to discuss or talk about it.
I would just spoil your day/life if I say anything further than that.
Hey, don’t know if your still reading this but your very similar to me
I’d love to have contact with you per email, if your interested my email is licht1956@yahoo.de
i also do workouts strength and stamina other than that I also am into religion , philosophy and psychology even new age stuff.
I also grew up with anime and video games. I’m 20 years old and would love to hear from you, so we could discuss stuff^^
I don’t normally use e-mail or anything, only irc chat, skype. But I will give it a try, it’s unusual for me to send and receive e-mails for this purpose.
my skype nickname is: artoriasandsif