It is so sad I had to drink two whiskeys and a beer for breakfast in order to get to work this morning. My mood raised for a moment but now I’m just feeling sick and my mood is slowly getting worse than before drinking. I’m also afraid my colleagues noticed I drank.
I hate myself so bad.
13 comments
Sounds like me, only with eating too many carbs. I end up feeling sick to my stomach and I know this is terrible for my diabetes. Don’t give up on yourself. Realize you have work to do on yourself. Take a step to do that. Can you figure out something you like, that you can substitute for the drinking? Something you like doing? Or a favorite food? Have it handy before you work and use that. Keep a journal about your progress?
You can change. You are too important not to try. And if you try and do not succeed… try again.
I hope you are feeling better. Eating is a good thing for you to do after the drinking.
Take great care of you, please.
All the things I used to love and enjoy no longer enjoy me, unfortunately. I used to drink for recreational purposes when hanging out with friends. Now I just drink to ease the pain but it is an awful solution. Too bad I don’t have any other solution. It is too late to change. I’m scared, I can’t go on like this for long, what am I gonna do…
I’m sorry you feel you can’t do anything else. Life is a journey and that journey can be rough when you come to a point like this.
You give value to your life- negative or positive value. You know you can’t keep doing what you are doing.
Look at the person underneath this pain and the belief you are not worthy. Who is HE?? (This is directly related to the Way of the Tao.) We are not our pain. We are not our words.
Start taking care of him. He is there. What do you have to lose if you say it is all worthless as you are now?
P.S… I hate myself too. I am working on that and you can too. Okay, not me. Not work on not hating me (do that all you want 😉 Admit you smiled at least) but on you. Work on liking you. 😉
Thank you for you kind words. I am trying to work on not hating me (or you :)) but it is not easy as you certainly know. Problem is I like myself so much (the way I look, how I’m skilled in things I used to care, how I relate with people) but I hate myself because on the other hand I committed very terrible and avoidable mistakes that brought me where I am now. If only I could have avoided one of them I’d probably be happy right now, instead here I am desiring my own death. I make me sick.
We all make avoidable mistakes that lead us to a place we don’t want to be. But this is going to happen. There is no go back button in life. I wish there were! So, forgive yourself. You are only human. The worst mistake is still only a mistake. Learn from it and you grow.
A quote
We shall not grow wiser before we learn that much that we have done was very foolish.
Friedrich August von Hayek
P.S… Life is not easy. I think you’ve tapped into the deeper meaning of life. You are/were happy with the out side of you and now, you are dismayed by your decisions (the inside of you). Maybe some of the anger is fearing the negative side of you- like who was I fooling? Afraid that your mistakes show how terrible you are.
But they don’t. They were the result of your decision at the moment you made them. Look at it as you made choices based on the best information you had at that moment- whether it was false information or you think you should have known or you did know better. Your decision was still what you decided and now you would not have made that choice.
Look beyond this/these mistakes as being your whole self-worth. They aren’t. Make new choices, find new avenues to go down and find the better you. Then you truly have learned from your mistakes. Does this happen in a magic moment? No. Time, it always takes time.
…and time can do so much…are you still— (oh sorry, High school chorus song came back to me… ha)
Still, time can do a lot. Like, can easy your hurts and allow you to heal and move forward.
Bad thing about my worst mistake: I already knew it was a mistake… I won’t ever forgive myself 🙁
I remember drinking just so I could work, the problem is the alcohol wears off. I suggest buying at lunch a couple of red bulls and junk food to get you through the day. Best of luck x
Thanks for advice. I drank a lot of water and had some snacks before lunch. I don’t think I’m gonna have alcohol for breakfast again. Altough I’m a bit worried about tomorrow, I have a meeting where I’ll be presented to a new big client as the expert of “this stuff”. It is difficult to look like an expert with a frowning face (everyone notice that, and I’m continuosly asked if I’m ok, I hate it) and a mind which drifts off very easily.
Hopefully that usual mask that has protected you till now will kick in just before the meeting and you will make it through. Maybe after the meeting as you will have exhausted all your pretence for the day, you an ask to go home feeling sick?
I didn’t actually have a mask, I was confident of my skill. Now my creativity and proactivity are frozen. The meeting is at client’s site so after it I’ll just go home. Luckily enough I have an appointment with my therapist in the evening. Oh, I just remembered tomorrow’s also my birthday. I couldn’t care less, but I planned to execute me tomorrow. I won’t do it, maybe I’ll tell the therapist I planned it though.
It will be a good time to discuss it with her/him. Definitely sounds like a good idea. Here if you need x