63 and still the thoughts come back. Defective. Quit trying to fight it. I look back and see things I’ve done that I didn’t do right. Spent 6 yrs feeling like I could believe the “you are OK; you are a great mom/wife/friend” Only to come back full circle to this. Fucked up person. No one can I share this with because they either try to tell me I’m wrong or I risk having them really see what a loser I am.
Is it inevitable and why do some fail and never think of ending it? I want to run somewhere because I need to think; should I do it; should I not? I hate myself but I dont want to hurt in grandkids, husband or kids. Maybe that’s my punishment. To live knowing what a defective person I am.
thanks for listening