I’ve Lost Myself

Don’t really know where to start. Maybe where I got so drunk the other night, possibly the drunkest I’ve ever been, nearly attempted, and also fell on the sidewalk cutting up my entire body and face, which had people asking questions. Or maybe with someone who doesn’t bite their nails much, I have none left to bite. Or maybe how I sleep the absolute minimum now, maybe two or three hours a night, if at all. My sleeping patterns have been especially messed up, even on taking extra strength Advil PM doesn’t knock me out. I thought all my stress from school was the root of my problems, but I realize more and more it’s just me. I’m about to get straight A’s this semester at college but I feel so insanely lost. My life is so messed up. I’m so nervous about going to court on Thursday due to my DUI. So nervous my stomach is constantly in knots, I get migraines, every inch of my body is filled with tension and stress. I’m sick of messing up everything. I’m going to be on probation for a year and a half, won’t be able to smoke weed. I worry it will outcast me from my friends. They all smoke but we have a few friends that don’t and it’s okay, but I’ll end up outcasting myself I imagine. I used to be OCD about showering, would shower 4 or 5 times a day. I haven’t showered in about two days. My room is a fucking wreck, haven’t cleaned it in weeks. Laundry needs to be done, but I’m not sure I have the strength to walk downstairs, throw it in the machine, and push a fucking button. I haven’t worn makeup in weeks with the exception of the one day I drank. I don’t wear a lot of makeup but I’ll often at least put on a little or just clean up a bit. I haven’t shaved in like 10 days which is rare for me, I’m very hygienic overall. Just being awake is draining, I’ve gained some weight from the stress bringing me even lower lower lower. I’m such a shit person and I don’t really want to do it anymore. Don’t think I can do it.