Mother’s day present

I wonder what my mom would like for mother’s day. Flowers? Perfume? A hug? Maybe from her daughters! That’s right she doesn’t count me as a daughter. She’d probably like it better if she could sign a certificate to disown me. I can sort of give her that.

My mother has two daughters (half siblings who are in their mid-twenties) whom she has always loved and adored. They got anything that they asked for and more. Me? The COMPLETE opposite. I barely got attention infact the only attention I ever got was negative. Neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me. But my mother always tells them that she loves them. Nobody ever bought me anything just for the hell of it, I could never get away with anything, and I was always the one who got blamed. I would point out how spoiled they were and nobody could even deny it. They’d either have no response or they’d say I was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? I just had to learn to accept that’s the way things. It took me a while but I finally did. When they moved out years ago I somehow thought that I would become close to my mother–I was convinced actually. I was completely wrong. I wasn’t ignored anymore. I guess that’s one plus. But that’s because I was from then on treated like the lowest of the low. I became verbally abused by both parents. Both would get in my face, threaten to hurt me, push me, shove me, drag me, pour sewage water on me TWICE, call me EVERY name in the book, say things like I never should have been born and they should have aborted me, etc; all of which never happened when my half siblings were in the house. It’s been YEARS since my half siblings moved out and I’ve been enduring this all of this time. It didn’t take long for me to be brought to the point where I wanted to commit suicide. I was 13 the first time I thought about suicide and I’m 16 now. I actually agree with some of what they say especially when they say I should never have been born. I know deep down that I don’t deserve this. Not by them. It might be Gods punishment to me from a past life but I don’t DO anything that is deserving of the way they treat me. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I’m a virgin, I never even leave the house. My half siblings dad died when they were babies. I wish so much that he would have been my father instead. Maybe then my half siblings would want to be close to me. To my half siblings my mother is the best mom in the world. They both literally wrote on her Facebook page saying that she’s the best mom anyone can ask for and how she’s the strongest person they know and all this stuff Those statements baffle me. Meanwhile I’m on the verge of committing fucking suicide BECAUSE of her (and my father). Not verge it’s a fucking fact but holy shit.

I keep all of the bullshit I go through to myself. There have been times I’ve wanted to say shit especially when my mother talks shit about how “horrible” I am to other people. Like my grandmother was an angel on earth. Most amazing person I will ever know. You wouldn’t believe who her kid is… but my she was the most giving, loving, most beautiful person ever. She suffered with Clinical depression and knew what struggle was so I related to her on a deeper level than she ever knew. She passed away in February last year but when she was alive my mother told her that I called my mother the B word. After my mother called me every swear word out there including the B word and swung at me. But of course my mother left those parts out. My grandmother basically just thought I was disrespectful I assume since she was unaware what goes on. I never told her or anyone what goes on or told the real truth when my mother complained about me to others. I remember my grandmother saying “I don’t know what goes on at home or if she calls you names back” and I finally said yes she does call me names “back” but left it at that.

But nobody knows what it’s like. Nobody will ever know but if I were to commit suicide on mother’s day it’s just a subliminal message. Either that or father’s day. Actually I’m contemplating whether to commit suicide on mother’s or father’s day.  I doubt anybody will read this but this is a rant so the grammar isn’t that great at all but I don’t care to correct it.