each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
Ok so let’s get the elephant out of the room. I don’t expect to get help from anybody on this whatever it is. I am only crying for attention like I do whenever I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed right now and I have begun my suicidal thoughts again. I don’t want to preach or pretend like I have any insight to offer. All I want to do it express my feelings in this rant I’ve made;
Words on a page what for and have we to. This drunken stupor of man’s design. To keep the life and the divine. To keep the soul intact and all that we interact, with to enjoy and feel the life that we are for bound. Bound and wound about the finger of existence that pokes the soul. That pokes that soul and points out the feelings of doubt and fear. Doubt and fear of the things unknown far and near. And the nearest of all, the soul of the misunderstanding and all, the misunderstanding of things to come. The fear of things to come. The fear of things to be of who am I and who am I supposed to be? Why? And wherefore art I? For the things that I hold dear disappear in a specious moment that has only to be. To be and last not but for the tiniest fraction of measurable time that is. That tiniest of moments that we can only feel in our most intimate memories. Those memories that are only remembered in our dreams, Our dreams and fantasies that we know are not to be. And again I ask why. For who knows the boundaries of the specious present and the specious now. The now we feel and the present that we describe. Why o’ why do we describe that present that is in the past; that is only portrayed in our minds eye so that we perceive it, the present, as being in the present? And so forth the questions roll as to unravel the darkness at the boundaries of our visage. That darkness that we flail upon during the light and that we waltz with during the dark. That darkness that fuels our fears and inflames our fantasies. It is the bane of our wisdom. The wisdom that we learn when we do not want to. The wisdom that is there to remind us of our reality. That wisdom that makes us cry but tells us when the days pass by. We are strong because of our wisdom. Oh how facetious that is. How facetious to gain strength from the weaknesses we exude.
What is that that mirrors our soul beyond what we knew to be our soul. And beyond what we dared to dream. Why oh why do we dare to dream. That which had come without the dream. So to seek what is to become is the bane of the existence that I lead. The lead that ties the feet that lead me forth. Forth among the passage of time. And that time which I curse so oft. So oft that time can be measured by the profanities that I sling. That is what I have to offer. A Loud mouth and opinions that do not matter. Opinions that question why, The time that has passed me by. Passed and passed again in my memories. I fantasize about those times passed. About those times that I looked forward to the now. The future of my fantasizes I reminisce. How ridiculous is this? The nostalgia of the past memories of fantasies of the future is an unending ouroboros.
And how I sit now. I sit with face forth towards the abyss. With such lethargy. I do not know what to write. I do not know what to say. For do I tread water that has been found? Or water that has since been stale?
Anyway if this doesn’t make sense just ignore it. If it does make sense then just post something like ‘I agree, yada yada’…
My biggest fear is my life passing too quickly and not accomplishing anything. I hate waking up in the morning just to know that night will soon come . I feel like I am just present during my day to day lifestyle . I am not satisfied . I don’t care to see the same people everyday, or do the same activities . I hate repetition. I can’t live a life where I wake up to work everyday regurgitate the same bullshit the next day .
I would be happier if my lifestyle was different . But it’s unrealistic. My ideal lifestyle could never happen.
That’s what I hate the most about my life.
When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown.
I’m actually feeling good about my job interview tomorrow . I have one at top golf . It just opened in my city . And it’s a group interview . You play games with people and have fun so it’s not even like a real interview .
I just get nervous . I feel like if I get this job then I will feel like I have something to do . It will take my mind off things .
So wish me luck tomorow … It’s gonna be a nerve wrecking day . I also have to present my research paper in class .. That’s gonna be even harder . All eyes on me .
would it be so bad if I committed to an attempt? I feel so shit all the time and it’s stuff that has been present all my life, it’s something that I know isn’t going to improve to normal levels. For example I’ve always been cynical, now I’m super cynical but I don’t see myself becoming someone who just isn’t cynical. Oh sure it can get better but it will always be there and it’s going to eventually cause me to fall down again
So would it be bad if I just make an attempt?
And what if it’s someone that I know has a high success rate…
So my birthday is January 6th and my cousin’s is the 10th. Honestly I feel like my birthday isn’t even important. Like I don’t matter. My aunt always talks about his birthday and since his is after mine, we usually celebrate them on his. Also, we’ve been staying at a hotel since yesterday and the room # is 110. She was so happy and was like “ooh” and said that they should play those numbers (for the lotto). He’s spoiled. He gets whatever he wants. For Christmas he asked for an Apple PC and those are a thousand and something dollars but guess what? He got it. It’s his Christmas and birthday present. I can’t even..
What is it in people that keep them around? I see so much suffering, grief. Awful things- and I think- why do they keep on going? Why don’t they just end the misery?
Why haven’t I ended the misery. I’ve tried to be optimistic. These feelings will pass, the vice will loosen it’s grip upon my neck. And it does, for short while. But, for the past 2 years, the pain has been ever present. The desire to disappear grows with each hour. I look for a cure, for a reason to stay, but cannot find one.
There is something liberating about accepting being a nobody.
I have been bullied, belittled, and abused as a child in both my school and in my family. For the longest of times, I have done my best to improve my reputation and status in society in response to these actions. However, I have failed time and time again. After numerous short lived careers, huge heart aches, and personal failures, I have come to the realization that, indeed maybe they were all correct before. Maybe indeed I am a nobody.
If it is truth, then all my past failures, misfortunes, and regrets can be rationally, logically, and justifiably explained by mine being a nobody. For the past 3-5 weeks, I have accepted being a total nobody and I can attest that such belief does not only affect the view of the past, it as well affects the present and the future.
In the present, my acceptance of being a nobody has given me the liberty to speak my mind and act without the impediment of a reputation to protect. For example, a few days ago, my US tourist visa renewal was rejected on the most probable grounds of mine being single and having a low paying job (I guess the consular officer thought I would likely overstay my visa if given a better life in their country). Instead of feeling disappointed, I just thought that it was fine since a nobody doesn’t need a US visa and doesn’t need to travel. Moreover, I posted what happened freely in my Facebook for all to see. Why? Because I didn’t care what other people and FB friends had to say about my failure to renew, my low paying job, and my singleness. I didn’t care because I was a nobody. I had nothing to lose since I have nothing anyway. I have no reputation to protect since I am a nobody. And, I wanted to make it clear to everyone, with the US embassy hopefully reading it, that I love my country. And I will live here and I will die here. Surprisingly, that post has garnered the most FB likes ever that I’ve had since my profile picture change. Hehe.
In the future, my acceptance of being a nobody has tempered all of my personal expectations. It has opened my eyes to what hope for the future really is. Hope is absolutely undependable. It can mislead expectations and gain you a lot of disappointments. Hope is the least concrete value in life and I don’t know even why people still use it to prop us up. Hope aside, a nobody no longer expects normal goals of people. A nobody no longer dreams of normal things like happiness, children, and success. Why? Because a nobody is not entitled to any of those things. When I accepted being a nobody, I lost the necessity for normal goals and aspirations. Instead, all the goals and aspirations have been replaced with peace of mind. I am now at peace knowing that I need not exert effort to achieve anything since I am a nobody. I am at peace knowing that as a nobody, my only shared destiny with everyone is just death. And that is all now that I expect and peacefully await.
It is important though to point out that this peace comes with a price. It is rooted in a depressed ideology. And so, every-time it pops up, you must be able to focus more on the effects of being a nobody than just being a nobody yourself.
They add up, one on top of another. Dirty house, little free time. Debts that you can never seem to get started on. Between two jobs, make too little. Things breaking down. Costly repairs. Faraway dreams that never gain traction. Faraway friends. Lover growing distant. Nagging mother. Fear of loneliness. Fear of other people. An inability to face the past or the future; maladjusted in the present. Knots everywhere – in my mind, my relationships, my soul. Can’t cleanse it. Feel like roadkill.
Wish I could just end this! Something or the other always stops me. I never wanted to live. My life is harsh on me and it is difficult to survive it seems. I am just another normal 14 year old teenager but what goes on inside me is unknown to everybody. I am so pressurized by studies and coaching. Every time I have a new coaching to attend and i am supposed to handle everything. I can’t! I am just a human being! My parents have cut off my connection from the outer world (except school where i have no friends basically. Actually they just pretend to be with me but they have always left me in the most difficult situations that i have faced). My parents don’t let me go out and play and have a walk and stuff because they think that i should be sitting in my dark dungeon a.k.a my room and study. I keep myself locked up in my room. I daily shed tears. My eyes and my throat are soar and well if you talk to me after that you might not feel like talking to me because you might be sad. There is like no one to help, no one who gives a fuck about my life. Probably if I just die, the world will remain the same. The classroom will remain the same. For my classmates it’ll be like ‘just some other kid who went out of school’ and my family will cry for two days and after that i’ll be just a picture on a wall . THAT’S IT! There are like a bunch of medicines, a blade and a piece of glass infront of me. Everytime I look at it, I feel I think i should end this pain and sorrow but something or the other stops me. I can’t live like this! I can’t change the way it is going on! Tomorrow is completely worthless since i have no ambitions in life. The past was painful and the present is depressing and stressful. There is no one to reach out to! (Any one who reads this post and comments that i should be taking help from some suicide helpline, it can’t happen. For that the suicide hotline people need to pick up their phones which they rarely do! and i as i mentioned the people around me find me worthless and completely useless, so there is no chance that they can help me. I can say this because i tried) My future is hopeless. My present is a complete mess. I am tired of my life. It just seems to be senseless even being alive. But my destiny won’t let me die. That is the most painful part.
I’ll have a drink for that. Another thought about my ex-fiancee, I’ll have a drink for that too. Another thought about my deceased loved ones, there’s a drink for that. Just a little sip, oh look some anti-anxiety pills I’ll have to take those too. Looking at my life, the past the present and the future and having absolutely no idea where I am going to be, there’s a noose for that…
How does one *fix* the affects of abuse? You can’t fix that what is. You just learn to cope. No matter how hard one tries, the memories are still remain; forever haunting, forever there.
I have been told to dwell not on that what was but rather focus on what can be. I have always maintained that focusing (and influencing) one’s future is largely based on one’s past, as it is one’s past that makes up one’s present. It is one’s present that gives one strength and abilities to influence one’s future. We are after all the sum of all of our experiences.
One’s past = present = future.
It is a fluidic paradigm that is most incredible to change. But one must possess the strength and will for it to be so, to influence and change one’s future. What if one (me) just doesn’t give a fuck anymore?
The theme from the short lived series Enterprise. This song sort of describes my present state of mind, appropriate for where I feel my journey is headed.
It’s been a long road
Getting from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally near
Not having a funeral when i die, people didnt want to make the effort to see me in life so it would be the greatest of insults for them to see me in death, it’s too late then, it’s not their fault it’s just the way it is…
I will be cremated and have my ashes discarded with only my immediate family present it doesnt matter where that takes place as it makes no difference..
Twenty years ago I made a choice that has forever altered my life. The last three can really only be described as post apocalyptical. I’m 40. I expect to live there rest of my life, save for all the focus I can muster in this present moment, adrift.
CPS came in because one of my teachers called them about me cutting and doing drugs. They are now forcing me to go see a Psychiatrist and go to group with other girls that are in high school. If I don’t go, they will remove me from my mom since I have been cutting for so long. But honestly I don’t need this. I am fine with cutting and doing drugs. That’s how I cope and that’s what I’m good at. I don’t want to change. That is what makes me. ME. Not saying I don’t have emotional problems cause I’m sure we all do, but I don’t need help.. Anyways the girls were really nice and the instructor’s were cool. They made you feel welcomed and they said it was a “safe” environment, so we could say how we felt. All we did today was made a collage about ourselves and present it. Everyone put so much thought into their collage, I put like 3 pictures haha. It was plain. So overall it wasn’t THAT bad. The lady who came and picked me up and dropped me off was cool, we both liked country music so we sang the whole way.
I wonder what my mom would like for mother’s day. Flowers? Perfume? A hug? Maybe from her daughters! That’s right she doesn’t count me as a daughter. She’d probably like it better if she could sign a certificate to disown me. I can sort of give her that.
My mother has two daughters (half siblings who are in their mid-twenties) whom she has always loved and adored. They got anything that they asked for and more. Me? The COMPLETE opposite. I barely got attention infact the only attention I ever got was negative. Neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me. But my mother always tells them that she loves them. Nobody ever bought me anything just for the hell of it, I could never get away with anything, and I was always the one who got blamed. I would point out how spoiled they were and nobody could even deny it. They’d either have no response or they’d say I was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? I just had to learn to accept that’s the way things. It took me a while but I finally did. When they moved out years ago I somehow thought that I would become close to my mother–I was convinced actually. I was completely wrong. I wasn’t ignored anymore. I guess that’s one plus. But that’s because I was from then on treated like the lowest of the low. I became verbally abused by both parents. Both would get in my face, threaten to hurt me, push me, shove me, drag me, pour sewage water on me TWICE, call me EVERY name in the book, say things like I never should have been born and they should have aborted me, etc; all of which never happened when my half siblings were in the house. It’s been YEARS since my half siblings moved out and I’ve been enduring this all of this time. It didn’t take long for me to be brought to the point where I wanted to commit suicide. I was 13 the first time I thought about suicide and I’m 16 now. I actually agree with some of what they say especially when they say I should never have been born. I know deep down that I don’t deserve this. Not by them. It might be Gods punishment to me from a past life but I don’t DO anything that is deserving of the way they treat me. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I’m a virgin, I never even leave the house. My half siblings dad died when they were babies. I wish so much that he would have been my father instead. Maybe then my half siblings would want to be close to me. To my half siblings my mother is the best mom in the world. They both literally wrote on her Facebook page saying that she’s the best mom anyone can ask for and how she’s the strongest person they know and all this stuff Those statements baffle me. Meanwhile I’m on the verge of committing fucking suicide BECAUSE of her (and my father). Not verge it’s a fucking fact but holy shit.
I keep all of the bullshit I go through to myself. There have been times I’ve wanted to say shit especially when my mother talks shit about how “horrible” I am to other people. Like my grandmother was an angel on earth. Most amazing person I will ever know. You wouldn’t believe who her kid is… but my she was the most giving, loving, most beautiful person ever. She suffered with Clinical depression and knew what struggle was so I related to her on a deeper level than she ever knew. She passed away in February last year but when she was alive my mother told her that I called my mother the B word. After my mother called me every swear word out there including the B word and swung at me. But of course my mother left those parts out. My grandmother basically just thought I was disrespectful I assume since she was unaware what goes on. I never told her or anyone what goes on or told the real truth when my mother complained about me to others. I remember my grandmother saying “I don’t know what goes on at home or if she calls you names back” and I finally said yes she does call me names “back” but left it at that.
But nobody knows what it’s like. Nobody will ever know but if I were to commit suicide on mother’s day it’s just a subliminal message. Either that or father’s day. Actually I’m contemplating whether to commit suicide on mother’s or father’s day. I doubt anybody will read this but this is a rant so the grammar isn’t that great at all but I don’t care to correct it.
It cracked like porcelain along the edges of her mind,the crack echoed across the land, the force of of it alone split the mast and sent it careening to the side. Where the tattered and frayed sail touched,it prompted the sea water to shoot into the sky to rain down upon her.
Not even the birds were present this day. The porcelain cracked sky cascaded down in a shower of rainbow fleck chips.
It was all falling apart.
The sun could no longer support its own weight and like a man who was destined to drowned it sank below the earth never to be seen again.
The moon did not rise this night, the last essence of light was slowly dying in those rainbow flecked chips as the entirety of the sky came crashing down upon her, giving the ship she had used for many years to stay afloat its cue to at long last sink beneath the waves taking her down with it.
She came from darkness, and where she sank was in darkness. She had trusted the ship to keep her afloat in the dark recesses of her mind, her flaw was trust in her,
i had worried about keeping my dress dry today, it seems like i have more to worry about now.
The water she had fought to keep out came flooding into her lungs,
What is life when u dont know its meaning..
i cant look for the future when my present is trembling..
Trembling with fear of not knowing..
This fear just keeps on growing.
Every hope life gave me was misleading..
Every happy start led to a sad ending..