I don’t know. I have a lot of problems with myself. When it comes to self-esteem I suck. Oh you see a pretty outfit? Oh wait you’re too fat for it. Oh that guy’s cute? Oh, he picked the prettiest girl.
When I was younger I didn’t care what people said about me because I was happy being myself. About a yer ago all that changed. I saw how people dressed and I thought that I should start dressing like that. You know, just to look pretty and fit in. I started changing my style. Getting ‘better clothes’, ‘better shoes’. I wanted to be accepted. Then I locked my actual self inside me so she can’t get out and I can be the person that would be liked by everyone (if that makes sense).
Every time I start liking a guy I make this thing in my head; I see what I want to see. I believe that he has noticed me. That he finds me attractive. That I’m good enough. Then I start seeing that he doesn’t even know I exist. I somehow always notice that because I see how he goes on with his life like I’m invisible. It hurts my feelings although it is not love. It hurts because I get my hopes up.
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I can tell you’re beautiful without seeing you. You have to recognize that fact as well. Lord knows i know how much more difficult it is to do than it is to say but you do not want the feeling of having changed yourself for someone who doesnt care or just wants to use you. Its the worst feeling in the world especially if you realize that by being yourself you make it easier for the guy you want to find you. Trust me there is a guy begging to find the locked in side you and he doesnt give a damn about the “right clothes” or what size you are. If you keep trying to be someone else youre more likely to meet the same asshole most women complain about but continously enable. I hope i dont come off douchey i just dont want another lost woman. You guys are the most beautiful things humanity has to offer and you’re the mothers of the next generation and you deserve that respect from men and yourselves.
Im really sorry if my comment is insensitive ive had people tell me my whole life shit about my self esteem. I feel guilty about it and want to clarify it more. I’m concerned with the being someone else to be accepted part. I don’t think anyone has ever been helped by that one of 2 things usually happen
A) Person tries to fit in fails becomes the person they wanted to be in the first place and wonders why they didnt do that in the first place
B) Person tries to fit in and suceeds but then has even more resentment towards themselves for not being true. They hold in the self resentment and the other person they truly are for appearances and then the pressure bursts. The person explodes and in the end becomes who they truly are and wonders why they didn’t do that in the first place. I have no business speaking on anyones personal issues i just dont know anyone with the self esteem issues you talk about that didn’t go through a version of the 2 scenarios i mentioned.
The thing is I don’t even know who I am anymore. I somewhat know who I CAN BE, I JUST CAN’T PICK WHO TO BE. If I’m nice they will judge but if I’m a ***** they’ll judge either way. Either way they will always talk shit and I just want to be part of something.
Then dont define yourself as anything don’t subjugate yourself just to be a part of something. You’re still finding yourself which is ok dont worry if they call you a ***** not to sound like a parent but if they think that they arent youre friends anyway. It sounds cliche but its the honest to god truth. There are probably elements of both selves you genuinely like and that are genuinely you only time and self reflection will tell you which elements you should keep and discard but dont give the power to love yourself to someone else they will never do it. Being left out isnt the worst thing in the world. It isnt as important to be part of something as it is to be loved by the person you see in the mirror. There are too many men looking for a good girl for you to have to worry about it sometimes you have to take a step back socially to break out of the chains of socialization to realize your worth
I had a huge block of text written but it got deleted somehow, so here it goes again. Actually, looks don’t matter that much and they are highly subjective. What is beautiful to someone might be the opposite to another person. We all get old in the end, and lose our looks anyway, but if you want to get “better” clothes and worry about how you look, there’s nothing wrong with that.
The thing is, if someone doesn’t notice you and goes for a “prettier” girl (which again is subjective) maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all. Changing your looks is one thing, but creating another you to the point where you don’t feel comfortable anymore is not something i’d recommend. I mean, would you really like to be with someone that loves a fake you? a pretend? even if you do, wouldn’t you get tired of pretending anyways? i guess you could argue that if you tell yourself something for long enough you’ll believe it, but from what you say it just doesn’t work that way for you.
You say you don’t know who you are, but you can’t pick who you want to be… well, actually you can. I might be wrong here, but you’ll always be at risk of being judged, even if there is nothing to judge. Some people just love gossiping, and there isn’t much you can do about them. Instead of worrying about what people will say, worry about what you want, and rediscovering yourself.
Maybe it will take more time to become a part of something that way, but when (and if) it happens, it will happen to the real you (or to the one you really want to be), and that’s a lot better than being part of something fake.
I often have found self-estemee to be a strange duality. On one had, ever confident. On the other, crippling.
I think you should just be you. I hope you find that person who sees that beauty. I like the special unique and fun individual I have seen here.
Girl you and I are in a similar place right now….like it or not, self-esteem is in part connected to our looks. I know some people may say it doesn’t matter what you look like, people will accept you if you’re confident, to a small extent that’s true-but I find it only applies when you’re in a group where you know people already, like school or work.
There is this hideously obese girl at my job who I had no respect for when I first started working there because of her looks. But then you realize she’s got a decent personality overall and a good sense of humor, so her appearance doesn’t matter as much-esp when you don’t consider them to be someone you’d date.
However, looks do matter with strangers. In my situation, my social network has shrunk a lot. I’ve become more indifferent to having people in my life. In the past I used to crave being a part of a group, mattering to others, having others matter to me. But now I really don’t give a shit about people-at all. I don’t feel the need to know or impress them, unless there’s something in it for me like sex, otherwise people can fuck off in my books.
But of course if you want to get sex or love out of someone then attraction does matter. I used to be more attractive when I was younger and completely took it for granted. Today I’m about 30-40 lbs overweight-I’m not huge by any stretch (pardon the pun) but occasionally I do find myself sucking in my gut to appear like the built guy I once when in my 20s. And I hate myself for doing that, putting on an act, I want to be that built guy again and impress and intimidate people with my chiseled physique.
It’s all in the mind as they say. If I put my mind to it, I can have that body again in a matter of 6-12 months, because I’ve done it before. Trouble is that my head is not right, I don’t feel good/depressed, sad, etc….so that’s been holding me back and other issues.
But getting back to you-if you don’t have any ‘mental blocks’ stopping you from hitting the gym, then by all means do it. Your self-esteem will skyrocket and you’ll have your pick of men if you have a hot body. Just don’t tell them you were obese before-I personally wouldn’t date an ex-fat girl. Good luck.