I don’t want to be here anymore, I’ve known this since I was very young. But only now that I’m over 40, I’m no longer living on some autopilot or “unawakened” state. I’m awake. I get it. Oneness, we are all one, the energy, the unified field, the energy of love, the veil, the illusion, the ego. Got it… I’m done now, I don’t want to force peace and happiness upon myself or others, what for? People and life keep pushing back and I want to leave now, I can’t keep this up on my own.
If I ended up here with this pitiful story, what’s going to keep me from transporting into yet another pitiful story? Please, who ever you are controlling my consciousness, I am at your mercy, what did I do so wrong before you gave me a chance to live? Will you please let me live or die in peace if I beg you? My choices and other people’s choices and those consequences have beaten me down so bad that I have no heart anymore, I’m just exsisting. I’m disgusting, I look disgusting, ugly. Take me, use me up before I’m unusable. I have manifested my disgustingness before I was born. What was my crime? A life sentence for what? What did I do? Would it matter if I knew? Did you care how much I would hurt? I’m sure you knew though. Why do you hate me?
I read a few posts here today, about death and now I’m leaving this computer happier tonight, with the comfort of knowing that my death is coming anyway, just maybe I can be happier now. Maybe I won’t wish to force it on my time, maybe I’ll relish in it every day that you can’t wreck me forever because in the end, I’ll win.
6 comments
This breaks my heart because I feel the same way. I must have done something terrible in a past life. I feel those same terrible questions, what did I do so wrong, why can’t I have a chance to be happy. I’d say your post made me cry, but I was already crying before I got here. I guess some of us are just meant to suffer. Feels like life wants to push me to kill myself.
Every day I think and think, when did the punishment start? One of my earliest memories was when I was a little girl, probably 3 or 4, alone staring out my bare window with my Raggedy Ann doll, in a plain room, no decorations, probably a bed on the floor. Little did I know it was a snapshot of my whole life. Lonely and empty, repeat, repeat, repeat. I can’t break free from hurt.
I sort of know how you’re feeling. You blame yourself for everything that has gone wrong. You don’t wanna live. I mean you have been dead for so long. You stuck around to see if life could get any better but it just got worse. This fucking society. Family. ‘Friends’. You feel unwanted. You feel alone. You feel you need to die. That you deserve to die. I know but, you see, I lost someone very special to me and I’m hoping I get to see her again. That’s why I’m sticking around. Find something that holds you back. I don’t think you look disgusting even tho I’ve never seen you. I think you’re beautiful whether you’re a guy or a girl.
Thank you Justanothergirl09 for your kind words. There is someone that is holding me back but I’ve ruined that relationship from not being there when I should have, now I am not credible. I have sabotaged myself because of feeling unworthy and somehow like a fraud. I really don’t know who I am, and I’m waiting like one day I’ll wake up from the nightmare of being me.
I’m with you on everything you wrote. Except I’m in my late 20s… and have so much more of a miserable existence to eke out.
Spent a lot of time taking care of myself, preserving at least my physical health/appearance and in one foolish instance – all my hard work for about 8+ years down the drain.
I’m sorry to hear about the foolish instant. I’ve had those and long drawn out ones. I laid in my bed this morning, recapping every year of life, what good or bad happened that year? I’m such a muck up, a clown doing everything possible to humiliate myself. I’m curious as to what happened to you that took away your hard work.