I hate my life. But the thing is I don’t want to die. Not really. Underneath the desperation, depression, and self-loathing I am stubborn and curious. I don’t think I can have it–a better life.
I was abused as a kid. My dad is a heroin addict, my mother an incredibly embittered alcoholic. They did things to me…things I can’t get over.
I am supposed to be over it. Supposed to slap a smile on for the sake of everyone else. Never talk about my ptsd, my depression, what happened. It makes people uncomfortable. And hey, better I be shamed for my feelings and alone then someone else be uncomfortable, right?
The other thing is that, even though I was abused by my parents and abandoned by my extended family and friends, I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to negate myself, my experiences, and pretend everything is fine. I want to be myself and think I have that right. But all I get is ‘you’re such a downer,’ and ‘everyone has problems!’ and ‘you need to forgive!’ And ‘it was a long time ago! Get over it! ‘
But I can’t and I’m not willing to pretend and so I wind up alone with really f#$!ed up memories in a world that doesn’t give a s/!t about people like me.
Anybody picking up what I’m laying down?
2 comments
yes i totally understand. if one is dealing with something that is “unpleasant” no one wants to hear it. if they ask if something is bothering you, you are supposed to say no. its all bs. if you cant be yourself, then you kinda feel alone anyway..
I spent many years discussing my past with people who pretended to care. It helped me a lot. I’ve been over it so many times now I feel desensitised from how it made me feel. At the end of the day- people only truly care about themselves… But some people pretend to care- find one and tell them quietly, I’m sure it will help.