We all have that one person don’t we. They keep us going, most of them don’t even realise it but shit they help us. Mine is fantastic. They make me feel important and valuable, possibly maybe after time, they could make me happy (happy is a big word for me so I don’t tend to use it when reflecting on myself). This person never has to try to lift me up because knowing their existence is in my presence gives me life. The way they talk with such intellect, their mind, fuck their mind is so beautiful. Logically, I love this human.
But unfortunately it’s contradicts it’s self.
I’m on constant panic of not messing up. They’re so much better than me. I know that’s a cliché saying but it is with out a doubt true. I don’t feel good enough. They say I am, but I don’t feel it. Not within me. I worry all the time about how we’ll end up, where we’ll end up. It won’t always be like this. The question is, when does it end? Would it be my fault? Because the other is never at fault and that keeps my guard up.
This is why I wish I could be happier. Then maybe I’d feel good enough for them.
1 comment
These sorts of thoughts and feelings go through my head and heart as well, knowing I don’t deserve the caring, the kindness, or the time, but I think the best thing to do is to always give your caring, your kindness, and your time so you aren’t so inwardly focused as afflictions such as depression and anxiety tend to make ourselves. We need to remember that such a person fights their way through hell to care, to be kind, and to take the time. Sometimes that hell is yours, sometimes it is theirs, and sometimes you aren’t so different, but if they give you strength to try even if you feel they shouldn’t care, be so kind, or take the time, show that you are willing to fight through hell for them too. I know it’s hard sometimes, but as we often find, we have much more strength for others than we do for ourselves because those thoughts and feelings of whether we are worthwhile or not plague us so much. So try for you for them if you cannot try for yourself directly. It’s changing that perspective that is such a struggle though. It’s accepting the fact that such a person does care, is kind, and does take the time and trying to put aside all the thoughts and feelings of why you think they shouldn’t. If you can do that, I think you stop focusing so much on losing what you feel you don’t deserve and start finding that strength not only for them but for you as well. And remember, those thoughts and feelings will always return and fighting through is never easy, but if you have a person who makes you feel so important and valuable, show them how important and valuable they are to you too and keep trying.