It’s been almost two years since I’ve last been here. I will say that it breaks my heart that I’m back. Feeling this way all over again.
Who else is still here?
I'm from England, and I just want to say how I feel and what's in my mind
I once said in one of my earlier posts that I ‘longed for the feeling of not feeling at all’
Unknown to the fact how unbearable it is. I feel so numb. I don’t feel happy nor sad. I don’t get excited, nothing motivates me any more. I haven’t loved anything in a while: music, people, family, enjoyment.
It’s so shit.
I haven’t lost him but he’s no loner mine, and that kills me. Out of all the people I have loved, envied and lost, he has made me cry more than any of them. The past week or so had been rough, quiet, vague. Then out of the blue he talks, blames me for what I’ve done, what can I say, he’s right. He doesn’t feel the same, of course he doesn’t. He gets over things so quickly. He still cares, but not the same way. He left because I was a shitty person and I hate myself for that. He won’t dare say it but we both know it. I was and still am too naïve and open and that ruined everything. Or maybe I just wasn’t good enough. I mean, I can hardly compete. He’s the smartest person I know, so out of my league, gorgeous; physically and his mind is too. God his mind is beautiful. He doesn’t give a shit about anything that doesn’t matter, yet cares so much for the things that do. He’s always a ten, I envy that. We were awesome, that’s what we’d always say. Whenever asked what was the deal with us or what we were, we would just we’re awesome because we are.
I tried to fight for him, pathetically told him ‘please don’t leave me’. He just absently told me that I sounded desperate and I was more than that. I’m angry because I can’t get mad at him. He’s right. There is so much logic in him.
He’s always so god damn right
I’m coming to my last days of high school and the past week has been hell. It’s had such an effect on me knowing that I won’t ever be there again. It’s so weird, and kinda unsettling.
I’ve also realised how lonely I am. Everyone has their groups and their best friends but I just float around. Gets on with most people but just keeps under the radar.
That also brings up another point. Everyone on here seems to know someone and they know all their stuff and its so nice that people support each other here. I think I’m asking if someone would like to be my friend (I sound so lame wow) but yeah, I’d really like a friend
I had this dream about two weeks ago. I was on a boat going down these really peculiar canals. the river was narrow and everything was really low. There were platforms either side of the river, then tall walls along each side. But it didn’t make you feel enclosed. At the top of the walls you could see the blue sky, the walls were all pastel colours and had origami trees next to them. It had me so relaxed.
I wish I had that dream again.
I just want to talk about this one time I was is maths. I used to sit in the back left hand corner, out of the way. I now sit at the front dead centre where everyone can see me. I don’t really go to maths anymore.
Any way, back to the left hand corner. That day was colossally shit. The morning wasn’t great, it was just another one of those days where everything was subtly crashing down around me in the plain white room that is my maths classroom. For a while there was this guy in sixth form who came into our maths and was like a teachers assistant, helping us with maths and all the jazz. You could tell he didn’t really want to be there, but we all got that which I think made it more bearable for him. He was one of those shy, funny guys. He acknowledged me but never asked why I was sat on my own, or suggested I sat with someone else for a change. I really appreciated that. The teacher would always make me move, it’s not like he understood what’s up with me but he’s also kind of insensitive too.
So this particular day, it was probably a day after a night of a lot of crying in the middle of the night (9/10 days are that). I didn’t want to be there, not in maths, not anywhere.
So this guy at the end of this lesson comes up to me and asks if I’m okay. I put on that fake smile we all do and say “yeah I’m fine” in the fake cheery voice I’ve perfected. He then continues to say “*insert teachers name* can be a dick sometimes can’t he” and smiles. I laugh, then realise how nice that was of him it was to make me smile. Shit, it was the nicest thing someone had done for me in weeks.
I cried as I walked to the music block on my own. He hasn’t been in maths lately. But then again neither have I.
You know that old saying “don’t surround yourself with shitty people”
I feel bad for being in someone else’s company. I feel sorry for them as they have to put up with my presence. I don’t say much, but then try to make up for it and say too much. I go on about shit and cringe in my mind, asking myself “why the fuck did you just say that just shut the fuck up”
But then I hate being left alone with my own mind. Shits pretty scary and fucked up in there.
The truth is, I don’t want to surround people with myself, because I’m a really shitty person
I hadn’t properly drank for over three months. It’s not like an achievement, the chance just hadn’t come up recently. I guess it has pros and cons. It’s good that I don’t go out on the lash every night, but then when I do drink I have to make up for the lost time. It’s a bad way of handling it, I mean I could just not drink at all.
But, the thing about drinking is it’s similar to that at feeling I long for to not feel anything at all. You can just lose it all, not have to care about stuff, it’s addicting.
It was just me and my friend. I ate before I drank but she didn’t, which resulted into a trip to A&E at 2am. She’s doing alright now though, I’m so relieved.
I kept calling that person, I pissed them off a bit though as they had only just got back from work and they have symptoms of glandular fever. I feel really bad, I was being an inconsiderate drunk ***** really. Shit I feel so bad
We all have that one person don’t we. They keep us going, most of them don’t even realise it but shit they help us. Mine is fantastic. They make me feel important and valuable, possibly maybe after time, they could make me happy (happy is a big word for me so I don’t tend to use it when reflecting on myself). This person never has to try to lift me up because knowing their existence is in my presence gives me life. The way they talk with such intellect, their mind, fuck their mind is so beautiful. Logically, I love this human.
But unfortunately it’s contradicts it’s self.
I’m on constant panic of not messing up. They’re so much better than me. I know that’s a cliché saying but it is with out a doubt true. I don’t feel good enough. They say I am, but I don’t feel it. Not within me. I worry all the time about how we’ll end up, where we’ll end up. It won’t always be like this. The question is, when does it end? Would it be my fault? Because the other is never at fault and that keeps my guard up.
This is why I wish I could be happier. Then maybe I’d feel good enough for them.
I miss the days when I felt happy. How I became so content with the idea of death I don’t remember. I try so hard to be happy but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I’m not happy, I’m not angry, I’m not much really.
Just really really miserable.
But it’s not even that. It’s like, that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze. You know it’s coming. You can’t wait long enough for that sneeze to be over.
I think what I’m trying to say is, I long for the feeling of not feeling anything at all. I know it’s coming, it’s just a prolonged wait.
I don’t know if I should be here. I feel as if I’m wasting their time; doctors, support systems, YMCA. I know they all say that it’s the reason they’re there, that you’re not wasting their time. But honestly, I’m just not mean enough to tell them that they are in fact, wasting their time.
It’s not their fault, it’s just the state of mind I have gotten myself into. I guess only I can get myself out of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I do see a point to life. But it contradicts it’s self. I thought the meaning of life was to give it a meaning, but then I realised that’s just probable tumblr bullshit and figured it’s too logical to have some great underlying meaning.
It’s just a bit weird really.
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