I am so tired of feeling like this. I’ve been suffering from depression for more than 4 years now. However, recently my life around me has been improving, Despite this, I’m still depressed. The strange thing is that I have always dreamt of these ‘improvements’ and kept telling myself that if those things change I will be happy. And now those things around me have changed but I am still feeling the same. I start to think that the reason why I am still feeling down is that I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I always dream of being happy but when I have the chance I never am happy. It’s funny that I don’t dare letting depression go because I don’t know what to expect then. For me being depressed has become the world and my personality. It’s something I know. My blade and my medicine will always be there for me, they will never let me down, not like people. And also, I can’t let them down, either. If I want to be happy I have to put a lot of effort into it. However, I am not feeling strong enough to do that. I am terrified of losing all the beauty around me. So now I have two choices: either try to have a happy life or end everything. I feel like I’m torn apart by chains of hell…
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2 comments
You have another option… just live. Sounds stupid, but I think there is a reason there is a stereotype for the ‘depressed artist’.
As for Happiness can lead to becoming content, which can make them feel stagnant, which can lead to depression. Most people I know who are happy choose not to think about life’s hard questions. They find it all rather to depressing, haha. My way of saying happiness is an illusion. Maybe not a goal to pursue at all costs. Hobbies like SP can be much more fulfilling. Granted, this is coming from someone who feels empty…
In the mean time, keep your stick on the ice!
May you choose the best choice!