I stayed home from school again today, that makes 18 missed days for the year. I don’t think I’m allowed to miss any more or else the school will take us to court. I’ll probably still miss more anyway.
I have exams for my college courses this week, and I honestly could not possibly care less about my grades. I’m not going to college, anyway. I probably won’t even make it to my high school graduation.
Since the beginning of the semester, I’ve known about my final for my creative writing class. It’s a short story that has to be a minimum of 25 pages, double-spaced. This shouldn’t be an issue for me. I used to love writing. I still do. But I just can’t bring myself to sit down and write it. I have the whole story in my head, and I have some of it typed up, but I just don’t have the motivation to work on it. Every week, 2 or 3 people give the entire class their story, and they have a little less than a week to RTA them, and then we have a workshop on them. These workshops really help the authors, and I go on May 20th, so that means I have to turn in what I have so far on the 13th. I feel like such a disappointment because everyone else is working so hard and I only have about a paragraph done. I haven’t even looked at it since February. Damn, I’ve wanted to be an author since I could read, and this is all I’m capable of.
I’m gonna be honest and say it. I was planning on killing myself this weekend, but I keep finding stupid excuses not to. This fucking short story being one of them. It’s not even a good idea that I have, everyone else is so much better than me, but I still want to write it. I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do it, and I hate myself so much for this.
Whatever. This is it for now, I guess. I’ll probably sit here and think about my story instead of actually writing it, as always.
You can hit me up on tumblr, I’m the-lord-of-the-lamps there, too.
2 comments
Those excuses not to kill yourself aren’t stupid, you need to realize that. Try your best, and at worst you fail, and then you learn my friend. Go to college, or you’ll regret it. Follow your dream of being a writer, just find material that you love so much you want to write about.
A writer without strong material is a writer rotting away, with a hand capable of changing the world.
Your experiencing writers block, and in your case its because you depressed. Open up, and write that paper about your experience with depression while trying to write this paper, I bet that’s material that is worth 25 pages. You just need to open up, your on your way to college, and people will appreciate opening up there, so practice now, because your friends in high school, may just be obsolete soon, and college is definite.
Good luck man.
I’ve enjoyed your posts, I’d love to read it. I’ve attempted a few short stories, but I always find excuses to be unhappy with them. If anything, now that you have a fan here.