Why?

so my best friend has been really quiet for the past month and i just found out why. a kid in out grade tried to rape her on night. i was shocked when i found out. yeah the kid was kinda weird but rape? i didn’t think it could happen in our small town. to my best friend. i had done all i could trying to make her feel better and tell me what was wrong before i found out. i set up a scavenger hunt in her house for her, i told her that i was there if she ever needed to talk. but nothing worked. she decided to go to another friend instead. at first i thought that she was mad at me but i could not remember what i did to her. it was tearing me up inside. i didn’t know what was hurting her so bad that she couldn’t tell me. i thought that we told each other everything. i guess not. i don’t think that she realizes what this is doing to me. i know its not all about me and its all about her. the victim. but what about those caught in the cross fire? what about those of us who get shut out and have the door looked right before our very eyes. who can see a person that they care so much about slowly disappear? i didn’t know what else to do so i wrote her a letter telling her how i felt and what i did to try and help her. it did not turn out the way i had planned. i look back on that letter now and think how stupid it was of me. i now know that i should keep my problems to my self. i know that i made the wrong choice and now i think that it cost me my best friend. i truly don’t know what i would do without her. which bring me to why i am here. recently i have been thinking a lot about suicide. the idea of OD’ing seeming the most appealing to me because of the availability and ease of just swallowing a whole mess of sleeping pills and just not waking back up. i keep pushing the thought out of my head though. i don’t know why i guess i know that no one would benefit from that but me i guess. and i know that i have been way too selfish lately. i mean wanting my best friend back so that things can go back to normal? what else do i want? the whole fucking world?! i feel like going for a midnight run tonight to try and clear my mind… not to only find a way to get past my parents… until next time!