Afraid

I guess I’ve been scared for a long time. I worry constantly about everything, so much so that people yell at me about my worries and about how annoying I am. I don’t know what will happen in the future – I don’t know if I’ll be able to change or if my depression will go away. I’ve had depression for about two to three years, and I haven’t seen anyone or told anyone about it, except for my best friend, but he doesn’t understand. No one understands. I don’t think I truly have friends, because they know me on a school-politeness-same hobbies way, but they don’t know me. They laugh at me when I ask them about depression, and they, like everyone else I know, categorize depression as a mental illness.

I’m scared that no one will love me, most of all that no one will love me because of my depression and suicidal feelings. I’m scared that one day I’ll finally break and I’ll do something bad. Everything is just too hard. This month and last month have been an absolute shit storm. People tell me that I’m too emotional or weak and that I just have to cope with it, but I can’t anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough to tell someone, and I hate myself so much for everything.

Being on this site is absolutely wonderful. On here, I can feel, for the first time in my life, that I belong with everyone. And even though as I read the posts and I cry, I also feel an emotional release, knowing that there are others. I’ve heard that many people have depression and suicidal feelings, but only now did I understand that I’m not alone. Thank you all.