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Afraid

by keeprunning

I guess I’ve been scared for a long time. I worry constantly about everything, so much so that people yell at me about my worries and about how annoying I am. I don’t know what will happen in the future – I don’t know if I’ll be able to change or if my depression will go away. I’ve had depression for about two to three years, and I haven’t seen anyone or told anyone about it, except for my best friend, but he doesn’t understand. No one understands. I don’t think I truly have friends, because they know me on a school-politeness-same hobbies way, but they don’t know me. They laugh at me when I ask them about depression, and they, like everyone else I know, categorize depression as a mental illness.

I’m scared that no one will love me, most of all that no one will love me because of my depression and suicidal feelings. I’m scared that one day I’ll finally break and I’ll do something bad. Everything is just too hard. This month and last month have been an absolute shit storm. People tell me that I’m too emotional or weak and that I just have to cope with it, but I can’t anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough to tell someone, and I hate myself so much for everything.

Being on this site is absolutely wonderful. On here, I can feel, for the first time in my life, that I belong with everyone. And even though as I read the posts and I cry, I also feel an emotional release, knowing that there are others. I’ve heard that many people have depression and suicidal feelings, but only now did I understand that I’m not alone. Thank you all.

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Pretend Girl 6/12/2015 - 12:30 am

I know this is a hard time for you. I feel for you. Growing up I was numb to my feelings. I got through by not being aware of what was really happening. Disassociating with my life- at home and at school. I didn’t deal with any of it until I left home. Then **** hit the fan!! It has been harder than ANYONE in my family knows. They know NOTHING. 🙁

We each have to deal with our pain and suffering and it is HARD. You are right. There are people here that get it and you are among friends. 🙂

I am proud you are dealing with it. I totally get your fears. I did not know I had fears- I just thought it was me, terrible me. The fears were just my make up. Accept your fears that are NOT you. Accept that they are feelings, not some bear in the closet. Talk about them. I have found fears loss some of their power when we share them.

I know this is hard for you. But you can get through. I am finally getting through, so many, many years late. Oh, I wish I knew then what I know now. Not some magic that would make me a genius or anything. But to know that the pain and hurt is not me would have been so helpful.

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