Does anyone else here feel like two different people, or am I alone? I don’t know anymore.
There’s the me that realizes life is fantastic and pretty awesome, the side of me that tells me to enjoy life while I have it. Then there’s the side of me that is realistic and tells me the honest truth: I am a mistake. I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t deserve all the wonderful people in my life. I only screw things up. I am forgiven too often. I wish I could give my life to someone who deserved it.
I have never understood why people tell me to love myself, or give myself a break, or to love myself. I appreciate the thought, more than you could understand. I don’t understand at all how I’m supposed to love myself, or forgive myself. I don’t deserve to be loved or forgiven or anything. I don’t deserve anything good in my life, but it’s given to me. Then I feel like a scumbag for having these things.
If I kill myself, it’s no one’s fault but my own. It’s the least I could do to take full responsibility for it. It’s no one’s fault. The only thing I need to escape is myself, and that’s impossible. I can’t escape the problem because the problem is me.
I blame other people for my mistakes, but at the end of the day, we all know I’m the screw-up.
I don’t deserve anything that keeps me alive, but I get it anyway. If I want to keep myself, I don’t deserve anyone’s help doing it. I’m so demented at this point that I think I deserve the luxury of killing myself to stop the suffering I cause to both myself and others. Aren’t I incredibly foolish!
I don’t deserve to be able to look on the bright side of things. I don’t deserve anything that makes my life easier. I don’t deserve my life. I can’t even begin to wonder why I am alive. I hate myself to the highest possible degree.
Look at this disgusting pile of self-pity. I don’t deserve this life.
4 comments
I feel the same way as you.
But you do deserve all the wonderful things you have. You do deserve to live.
Yeah it would be awesome if we could all love ourselves, but I’ll settle for not wanting to punch out every mirror I see. I do think, once in a while, we all deserve a break from the tyrant that is ourselves. I’m not necessarily saying forgive yourself for every screwup, but hell, no point in flogging a dead horse.
Maybe you can try to think of something you’ve done right in your life, just 1 thing no matter how small. Yesterday there was a fly stuck at a window, so I opened the window and let the fly out. Pretty fricken awesome for that fly, and I actually held on to that feeling despite all the huge mistakes I made every other hour of the day. I’m sure you’ve got something like that you can hold on to? If not, stick around. Keep posting! It’ll come to you. And I really like your posts because I feel like I can relate.
i wouldnt say i feel like two different people. but there is the side of my i try to portray that i think is more enjoyable to be around and more likable. then theres the other more truthful side of me…that writes comments on a suicide site….
Im definitatley on the same page as you. I just want to feel like im worth the space i take up. I want to feel deserving of life, but i dont. But seeing you and many others pour your heart out here shows that you have some desire to get better, or at least, this is a medium to express your feelings in a healthy way, we’ve all done this.