Hi, I’m new to this…..and I’m crying right now. I started getting depressed in the 9th grade and that was when my doctor prescribed me anti-depressants. And that was when I wanted to die so I took 5 of those pills but nothing happened. Through time I got better and better until a couple of months ago I started having suicide thoughts and actually cut myself. I’m a religious person and so after that I prayed and promised I would never try it again. I told my mom I was having suicide thoughts and she comforted me and told me it was okay which slightly made me feel better. But the thoughts still didn’t stop. I go on about everyday hating myself and wishing I could be someone else. Or dying. I started hating my parents a couple of days ago. I hated seeing them so happy and I hated my friends for being happy too. There isn’t a day this week when I didn’t think of suicide. I would cross the street and think of jumping in front of a car or I would look at a knife and think of stabbing myself. You might wonder why I still didn’t kill myself but it’s because of my religion. I take my faith very seriously and that’s the only reason why I’m still here but the problem is these days I’ve started to give up on my faith. I pray day and night and have horrible days while there are some others who’ve never looked up to God and have amazing lives. Nothing I put my effort in is working out and I feel like I’ve got nothing to live for anymore.
But, what made my write today was the fact that i did something quite unholy (I came across a porn website) this morning and I feel guilty to the point where I want to cut myself again and Google on how to get myself ill. I hate myself and I had a little voice in my head that was continuously saying stop it but I didn’t. It’s not like I saw a video or anything but the thought made me want to gag. And now I hate myself for it.
I honestly don’t know if you’ll ever understand what I wrote and I’m sorry but my thoughts are really dispersed.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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I want to tell you that you sound like a good person who is lost.
You feel bad and you don’t know how to get better, so you’re being mean to yourself out of frustration/to punish yourself for not being “normal”.
You envy others, so you start to hate them because they don’t know what it’s like and you feel so alone. You turn to religion to try to solve it, but that doesn’t help either, so you lose faith.
You look for comfort/pleasure in porn, then immediately feel guilty and hate on yourself some more for looking at it.
I’m struggling myself, so I don’t know if I have an answer that helps. I think maybe it is good to be in touch with your feelings. There is this quote from the movie Thanks for Sharing (2012): “Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you don’t want to stuff them in the trunk either.”
You find yourself faced with a crisis you never asked for. The only thing you can do is handle it as best you can.
The thing is that if you ignore your feelings, I think there’s a risk of dealing with them in unhealthy ways. You feel depressed/ashamed, so you criticize yourself, or you pray incessantly, or look at porn, all to try and soothe those feelings. Maybe it’s better to be mindful of them and accept them?
My personal opinion/experience is that psychiatric medication is the same, unfortunately. A way of escaping unpleasant feelings.
I can so relate to your situation.
Hugs <3 <3 <3