I’m not perfect I’ll admit, there are a lot of things I need to change like my depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm to start. I’ve already committed myself to changing but nobody trust me to do it on my own. Although therapy and medicine work for some people it terrifies me, mostly the drugs.
To me its petrifying to think that one pill a day can control my mind. Its changes the chemical levels to “balance” you out which changes the way you think. It might make you happier but at what cost. All of your originality and creativity is gone. Everything you though is different. Its not the same, it can’t be. Your brain is functioning on different paths and everything that you had from before is gone. Everything you were for the last 18 years is gone. To me it’s the most terrifying thing in the world to think I’m going to lose a part of myself, that I’m not going to be the same. I just want to be me for who I am, and be at peace with myself on my own. It might take longer than the drugs and it might be harder but at least I’ll still be me. I wont have to question the legitimacy of my feelings or second guess my thoughts. Everything I do will be 100% me and 100% real.