I’ve never written about my mood/mental health/episodes etc. I am now in such an awful place that I can’t find a way out so I’ve resorted to asking for the help of strangers online (which I’ve always sworn I’d never do).
I’m 21 years old, a college dropout and mentally unstable. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. I’ve been suffering since I was 12.
Last year I was finally living a life – I had friends, a boyfriend, I was working out and social. I kept myself looking well. Then I lost boyfriend, he actually acted in such a vile way – he caused me to have my second breakdown. I ended up in hospital after attempting to take my life and the week after he sent me photos of the girl he left me for.. Needless to say I sank to the furthest depths of my depression.
I was given stronger anti depressants that have caused me to gain 5 stone in 6 months (they haven’t lifted my depression either, they’ve done nothing but my doctors refuse to change them).. I have one friend who I text a few times a month. I have no goals, aspirations.. I have no social life, I am constantly on edge and I have these episodes when I’m so incredibly positive and motivated.. Then it all hits me – that I’m alone and without a hope in the world.
I have no talent. I have no education, no skills. I’m scared to leave my house because I have a vile temper that arises when I’m in crowds. I’m so lost, I can’t see a way out.
Every time I plan a step to take in my life towards a better future, I end up crumbling under the weight of ‘what if’. My mind is repugnant place to be.
I’m miserable, yet sometimes overly ecstatic.
I have a violent temper that I cannot control.
No friends, no job, no tolerance for humans.. I feel sick thinking about waking up.
I have lost everything that I built for myself last year.. I’ve lost my social standing, my confidence, my motivation, goals, a future and a peaceful mind. It’s all gone and I’m left with a physically and mentally busted sack of shit – I can’t even bear to look at myself anymore. I’m disgusted by what I’ve become.. I just.. I can’t do this. I need help, I can’t understand why my doctors won’t help me, why won’t anyone help ? I need help, I’m so desperate and ashamed. I’m nothing but another girl with a broken mind and meaningless life. I can’t see a way out. I’ve tried so hard.. I’ve tried..
3 comments
I never post or comment either on stuff but you interest me.
I’m probably gonna be completely off with this but it’s just an opinion.
I don’t understand why it’s drilled into us that we can only be happy when we have friends and family and people near to us when most of the time these people cause the problems.
I couldn’t and can’t talk to anyone about this stuff, as, I assume, you can’t either as you’re posting it on an anonymous website, so I just buried myself away from everyone because I couldn’t deal with people.
But I buried myself in something fulfilling, I started doing music and learnt slowly everything about this one thing that made me feel happy completely away from people.
The way I see it, it isn’t your problem, you are just unfortunate enough to be surrounded by assholes and unsympathetic people. Maybe if you can find something that will just give you satisfaction, music, art, coding, sculpting, idk even bubble wrap popping, you’ll understand what makes you happy.
Though, like I said, could be completely wrong.
My heart is with you bro, you’re not alone in how you feel.
?’m relate to this. good advice here. and anonymous88 if want to give your e-mail adress we can share our progress…which instrument are you working on ?
Here for you. 🙂
First, he doesn’t sound like he’s worth it. Plenty of better loving people out there. Had my fair share of assholes. Sorry you found one, but they’re not all like him (which I’m sure you know). Sorry. There are many people on here who can relate to that.
Second, I’ve had my fair share of antidepressants. I swear I’ve tried them all, even electroconvulsive therapy. Either they work, but the side effects are too much or they numb me. It takes a while to find the right combination if any combination. I’m not on antidepressants at this moment. What used to work, doesn’t work anymore. It’s important to find a psychiatrist and a therapist who care and who you click with. It sounds like your psychiatrist isn’t listening and isn’t willing to change your meds when you tell him/her they’re not helping. Find someone else.
Third, you’re hard on yourself, but aren’t we all when we’re feeling super depressed? What you’re saying about yourself are the symptoms of depression.
I’m the “what if” queen, and I swear I hate humanity in so many ways. I can really relate there. I went from having everything to being raped the first semester of a very good college and then taking medical leave the second semester. I started cutting the second semester because I didn’t know how to tell anyone. My sorority sister saw and I was thrown into a mental institution. Talk about fear from a very sheltered girl. When they let me out I took a bottle of Trazadone (an antidepressant) and nearly died. My family never spoke of it. Still haven’t to this day, and I’m 34. My life and dreams collapsed around me and all because of one man. Yes, I still haven’t forgiven that bastard.
I can relate. I wish I had a magic answer. I guess we’re supposed to forgive to be able to heal ourselves. I haven’t been able to.
I went to therapy for a year and that helped a bunch. It helped me with my anger…mostly. 😉
Sounds like a bit of PTSD and depression…. not that I’m an expert.
I’m truly sorry. You have a lot going for you. Life gave you major stumbling blocks, but it will pass. It will get better when you see it. You’re in control of it all even though it doesn’t seem like it.
I know my response is a jumbled mess, but I hope I helped. You’re not broken, although I know it feels like it, and you’re life isn’t meaningless. I’m here if you need anything. Be strong, and if people are jerks, they’re not worth your time, but then I think you know that. 😉 Sometimes people are blind to what’s in front of them and sometimes we just don’t know how to speak up.
big hugs